Nihilism

It's still not funny though I wish i could laugh. Gaia is dying. Inside of me and inside of you. I appreciate your offer of refuge but I have run long enough. It would just exchange one roof for another. The guy on the bench where I wanted to sit until I saw he was sleeping off something awful. His body shaking with withdrawals and the evening's coldness. Hey at least I don't have a heroin jones. Is this gratitude? No it's hypocrisy. I haven't fallen to the street. No one wants me to end up there yet it is the next step on the way out if I have no courage then I stall. Is it to wait for patience? Or just because i am a coward too scared to fight for myself or do i have enough faith in myself to get over all this humilation and torture. It would be easier to be sick or to have pain i could take an analgesic. The shrink and the DRs all want me back on brain meds. I think I am just fine considering everything. If i could just unconsider everything> i guess that is what the meds are for. I did that for a long time. Those years are gone now because I didn't feel a thing(pain or joy)as they went by. It's(antidepressants) my "insulin" for low brain function or is it? Reality bites unless you get the right transmitters. I am out of those and slowly running out of time and patience.