Today I woke up early for the Farmer's market. My friend plays trumpet, trombone, and flugelhorn. He sings also but is not as serious as I am about it though he is a bit serious about most everything else.
We have had two gigs as a duo since I have moved back into this place. The video is up from this morning.We made money and now I have paid my saxophone repair bill.
The sight of an old neighbor and two classmates made my day.
Tonight with 6 people making music it became tense as we added another person to sing. I would rather just use a piano than try to use the rhythm attachment but I don't play much bass or treble for that matter so I have no point except that I had to check myself and keep myself grounded and as simple as things are I still can't do everything> It's a lot just to play in a bar after 2 years away from Beckett's.
I had many flashbacks. My own old ways only prevented by a good diet and the understnding which comes after asking for just that. I don't remember being angry or rude , it just was interpreted as such. and my nature was not as i seemed.
I felt the love. Others poisoned by fear ignorance and hunger saw their own story played out. My own has been one of dependence. It is not out of weakness but as a result of many compromises and sacrifices i have made to remain in my domain playing. Now I have to ask once more if the music goes on then i need help.It shall remain as there in Cali, here I also may need the help of others.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Monday, June 15, 2009
6-15-09
Mom left a Jackson on the dining room table. I picked it up and asked, "Is this for gas?" She said, "Yes, and while you're in Pendleton, Check at Safeway and see how much gas costs there." It's her way of making sure all the routes are covered.
I left for Pendleton, the county seat, the same one famous for woolen apparel rodeo and its fine Community College. I popped in a cassette I had "randomly" chosen frm the box of tapes I never edited or transferred to cd or mp3 or threw away. Now is their sterling moment as i revive the dialogues that formed some of my present philosophies. Jack Kornfeld and Michael Tom speaking of compassion.
I was on time as I hit the freeway interchange 3 miles from home. I saw and picked up a hitch-hiker, something I hadn't done for a long time, since I had given my car away to the City of San Francisco in May of 2000 the same week I graduated from college the last time around.The HHer looked and talked about mid to late forties, jobless, homeless, and in the last 16 months his four closest and most dependable friends had all died of natural causes if you drink and smoke too much naturally.
We talked about what had happened to him and to the nation we didn't really get around to the world it was only 20 minutes. He complained about his bad back and how he had an xray years ago and the intervertebral discs were already deteriorating aka bone on bone in lumbar land. He also said sleeping on the ground was hard and he woke up when he rolled over.
I talked about how we were robbed by the savings and loan scandal and then the stock market and then the war and then there was AIG all dogs all the time. He started to ask me for a hand out as I stopped to let him out by the exit. I had heard so many people asking for help in Golden Gate Park just two weeks ago. It didn't feel any different except he looked just like me.I slipped him a 10 and wished him peace. I am 800 miles away but the same dukka are here. A promise of a job in another state. It beats begging when everyone looks like you. At the gas station, a young man looking more the Haight hippie apparently out of his element with a sign "stupid and ugly fill me up". I hope he gets awayfrom here without any problems. A sense of humor can be a dangerous thing.
Up at Harvard on the Hill, Blue U, aka Blue Mountain CC I walked into Morrow Hall to be advised as to my predicament. My non-challenged course work is only 4 classes to finish my pre-requisites for nursing school. But here all the classes are full until next year. None of them is being offered except by one instructor who can choose whether or not to add another unit of Chem 104.Or microbiology.
Its my own deficits in Mathematics that hinder my entry into nursing school. But plan c may develop into plan d soon.
I left for Pendleton, the county seat, the same one famous for woolen apparel rodeo and its fine Community College. I popped in a cassette I had "randomly" chosen frm the box of tapes I never edited or transferred to cd or mp3 or threw away. Now is their sterling moment as i revive the dialogues that formed some of my present philosophies. Jack Kornfeld and Michael Tom speaking of compassion.
I was on time as I hit the freeway interchange 3 miles from home. I saw and picked up a hitch-hiker, something I hadn't done for a long time, since I had given my car away to the City of San Francisco in May of 2000 the same week I graduated from college the last time around.The HHer looked and talked about mid to late forties, jobless, homeless, and in the last 16 months his four closest and most dependable friends had all died of natural causes if you drink and smoke too much naturally.
We talked about what had happened to him and to the nation we didn't really get around to the world it was only 20 minutes. He complained about his bad back and how he had an xray years ago and the intervertebral discs were already deteriorating aka bone on bone in lumbar land. He also said sleeping on the ground was hard and he woke up when he rolled over.
I talked about how we were robbed by the savings and loan scandal and then the stock market and then the war and then there was AIG all dogs all the time. He started to ask me for a hand out as I stopped to let him out by the exit. I had heard so many people asking for help in Golden Gate Park just two weeks ago. It didn't feel any different except he looked just like me.I slipped him a 10 and wished him peace. I am 800 miles away but the same dukka are here. A promise of a job in another state. It beats begging when everyone looks like you. At the gas station, a young man looking more the Haight hippie apparently out of his element with a sign "stupid and ugly fill me up". I hope he gets awayfrom here without any problems. A sense of humor can be a dangerous thing.
Up at Harvard on the Hill, Blue U, aka Blue Mountain CC I walked into Morrow Hall to be advised as to my predicament. My non-challenged course work is only 4 classes to finish my pre-requisites for nursing school. But here all the classes are full until next year. None of them is being offered except by one instructor who can choose whether or not to add another unit of Chem 104.Or microbiology.
Its my own deficits in Mathematics that hinder my entry into nursing school. But plan c may develop into plan d soon.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Oregon Grapes
My arrival in Oregon from Cali was a relief and then it hit me after 10 years south and 6 years in the relationship I have no gig, no partner, no stepchildren, and no place to spread out until I get all the former tenant(my brother) shite outta heya.
I am raw now with only a a daily ration of chores to take me away from my existential angst and general anger at being treated like a queer and a deadbeat. I found the bottom line was there is only a bottom line.
I needed to go away a long time ago. I was afraid of appearing lost or a failure but how could I succeed with someone who is so insensitive to my needs and desires as to want me to strive for their success as they ignore my life.
I am not sure if I will ever have a balanced relationship. I only know I could no longer bear the agony of a loveless isolated life in a "family" not my own and not of my choosing.
Nor could I bear the life of being a parent to someone who only wants me out and yet be blamed for leaving.
Its shame when things don't work out. Sadder still to pretend you're happy when you are miserable. I have been miserable for so long I forgot to ask for help. This time it was almost too late.I hope someone reads this. I have given up hope having anyone understand me.
I am raw now with only a a daily ration of chores to take me away from my existential angst and general anger at being treated like a queer and a deadbeat. I found the bottom line was there is only a bottom line.
I needed to go away a long time ago. I was afraid of appearing lost or a failure but how could I succeed with someone who is so insensitive to my needs and desires as to want me to strive for their success as they ignore my life.
I am not sure if I will ever have a balanced relationship. I only know I could no longer bear the agony of a loveless isolated life in a "family" not my own and not of my choosing.
Nor could I bear the life of being a parent to someone who only wants me out and yet be blamed for leaving.
Its shame when things don't work out. Sadder still to pretend you're happy when you are miserable. I have been miserable for so long I forgot to ask for help. This time it was almost too late.I hope someone reads this. I have given up hope having anyone understand me.
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