Its the 10th of May. I have worked exactly one day since last march(07). It has been a long year. My So almost dying and her maternal unit dying in January. My lack of work has varied as to its severity in psychosocial stressors. I have been threatened with eviction and I have been to the depths of winter depression on top of all of it. I have had at least three interviews for work and not a single close call or second interview. I guess enigma would be a good word to describe myself. What is my problem? I should be making fat dough, right? I am just a gullible and innocent country boy inside and the city has eaten me up.
I didn't get my EBT food today and it upsets me. Not that I can't survivce without them but it gives me a little ease. i should be ashamed i cannot just get a job and walk free and happy to the kingdom of god. But it isn't quite working that way.
I thought I had hope and faith enough to get through all of this. On some days i do have enough. Today it seems likely I will not have the courage to smile and forget how close to desperation I really am. I am grateful for all my friends and family who beleive in me. I am just not so sure why they do . Its all a bunch of hopeless half starts and stops I have made all my life and these thinsg now haunt me. I was taught to let go of these and it is not as easy to do as to speak. I have lost things slowly over time and at times I delude myself by thinking I can just walkaway from it all. which is a choice but one i feel would be a disgrace to my small life I have lived. So I once more seem to have failed in my efforts to make a slight difference in the scene.
Maybe someone else will take it from me and i won't have to go all the way. Like i said before it is not to be told how much i wanted to live or to feel like i lived at all.
