My arrival in Oregon from Cali was a relief and then it hit me after 10 years south and 6 years in the relationship I have no gig, no partner, no stepchildren, and no place to spread out until I get all the former tenant(my brother) shite outta heya.
I am raw now with only a a daily ration of chores to take me away from my existential angst and general anger at being treated like a queer and a deadbeat. I found the bottom line was there is only a bottom line.
I needed to go away a long time ago. I was afraid of appearing lost or a failure but how could I succeed with someone who is so insensitive to my needs and desires as to want me to strive for their success as they ignore my life.
I am not sure if I will ever have a balanced relationship. I only know I could no longer bear the agony of a loveless isolated life in a "family" not my own and not of my choosing.
Nor could I bear the life of being a parent to someone who only wants me out and yet be blamed for leaving.
Its shame when things don't work out. Sadder still to pretend you're happy when you are miserable. I have been miserable for so long I forgot to ask for help. This time it was almost too late.I hope someone reads this. I have given up hope having anyone understand me.
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