Bardo

The place in between a transitory phase referred to in the Tibetan Book of the Dead. I am in a sort of bardo. I will have no hair to catch on fire (sic) since it is mostly gone from my head anyway. One more thing I don't have to ask for. A haircut.
It has been almost two years since I last had a scheduled occupation. I am now a temp at everything. Music, teaching, school, writing/blogging, videomaking, composing, and lobbying.
The fine line between nihilism and giving up is so fine that I can no longer tell if I have lost my way or have been left for the deluded idealist I seem to have become.
The street is probably where I belong as I am not responsible for my own welfare and should not burden others to do so for me.
I am in the way of progress.
The only wrong is not to change.

54-7=now

I am at the library. Richard needed to play his video game and I needed to get out of the house. I am short rent again. Probably because i am lazy, at least too lazy to take work that I am feeling like I might get hurt doing. This week with all the rain i have felt the not too unfamiliar feelings of "brain flu" which is the best way to describe depression to someone lucky enough to only get it for a while and not for decades.
I have a midterm monday. it seems too easy for me or that I am not going deep enough and will get caught without enough knowledge to be sucessful whtver that means.
Without blaming anyone, I am feeling like I need a big change.
There is a fear inside of the future.My death i can accept as a part of this but who and how i die around is another. I cannot trust it seems anyone or I am so untrustworthy that the projection blinds me as to my own weaknesses.
I don't want to quit quite yet, still i am reluctant to go through more of this cycling through life alone and loveless in a relationship which one of necessity and not of passion.
Who am i to judge her as I have made poor decisions in the past.
My mind is clouded by my depression. She wants things to live for. I want a life and believe things come after life and not the other way around.This is a sad factoid regarding our relationship. We see the world with different eyes. We hear a different drummer. We dance to a different drummer.
So it's alienation poverty and depression I feel after almost 6 years. I will miss that.
happiness is a state i seldom visit but know exists. What makes world go around?

Waltz Inside

A waltz, one that only happens on Saturday night in Fargo ND
Plays incessantly in my head like a broken juke box in Hell, Montana
Stomp stagger stagger stomp stagger stagger stomp stagger stagger stomp stagger stagger

Pulling me into the vortex my inner black hole somewhere as vast as the whole universe
Inside just to the left of the Milky Way and Jupiter deep to the umbilicus
Stomp stagger stagger Stomp! Stagger stagger stomp stagger stagger

High Tide gets higher the deserts get drier. Throw out the lifeline someone is sinking away
Deeper and deeper I go into the enteric plexus dancing on a quite familiar dendrite
Stomp Stagger stagger stomp stagger stagger stomp stagger stagger Stomp stagger stagger

Inside cold Cement steel and aluminum ? Gray cinder block painted another shade of gray InsideAllied with phospholipid crusted cell outside the crepuscular clouds of near Solistice
Stomp Stagger stagger stomp stagger stagger stomp stagger stagger Stomp stagger stagger

Here, eat the apple. It looks good. It makes me feel the cold and I am out of coffee.
Oh bother return I must in case of disaster hypothermia if it isn’t a quake its neuropathy
Stomp Stagger stagger stomp stagger stagger stomp stagger stagger Stomp stagger stagger

I am shaking yet there is nothing there nothing tangible Are there ghosts in this bano?
No crowds of children smiling or otherwise around yet the amygdala sends out an alert
Stomp Stagger stagger stomp stagger stagger stomp stagger stagger Stomp stagger stagger

Who is going to save us? From what he has done? Who is the decider? Who has won?
The door is blocked it opens a little. I grab and pull it shut. “Someone’s in there.”
Stomp Stagger stagger stomp stagger stagger someone’s in here
Stomp stagger stagger Stomp stagger stagger depths have not cleared

Missed the Church of Parker Wallace today. A Rain out in Oaksterdam
There is an uhhhhhhh known unknown of profundity down there
Stomp Stagger stagger stomp stagger stagger stomp stagger stagger Stomp stagger stagger

Existential Baptist Mural

As we were taking some stuff we can't use or fit into our humble apartment to a consignment shop. I spied this wonderful art inspired by the Roman crucifixion of Jesua of Nazareth. On the sidewalk was a sign announcing the existential definition Who am I? What am I doing here? Where am I going? Except they left out the question marks...Why????
Which is a good way to make a fella worrisome about hell or missing out on a good condo deal or having too much time on their hands. The preacher had many things to do to take ones mind off of the subject of destiny or salvation or sin and death. The cross seems to underscore the need to OBEY. or BURN. this is my first attempt at my religious doctrinal evolution.
At the cross at the cross
where I first saw the light
and the burden of my sins rolled away.

Heck, you can get a really good deal on a rollaway just across the street from Calvary.
Now that's service.Gawd Bless America!

Rain really F**** Me Up

Here and now I am sad and angry about life. The world as we know it(sic) is a troubled and dangerous place. Especially for pussies and wimps like myself.A real man would fight for his life his place and his honor(sic). Me,, on the other hand am content to suck up and take the abuse that is a result of my own failures and weaknesses. The depression which, according to my partner, is my own design my own creation and my own defense against happiness. I guess I would be happy and content if only I would just see how wonderful life is to the unjaded. I am not in that category. I have lost my way only to be rescued by someone who really really really loves me but who denies my feelings and my emotional well-being in the process. If i have a home i should by default be happy just to have a place to sleep, even if I do not sleep well. I am free to be denied my true feelings are real. Geejus this is just like my family of origin. They also think I am an emotional idiot. So after attempting to find a true bearing in this life, I have walked away from my partner's anger at me for not accepting my own sense of fear and anxiety over the present state of affairs. Its gray out today. The rain really makes me sad. I left anyway because I do not want to argue about what I have and where it is stored. Do I use it every day? No so it needs to go. Maybe i need to go also falling further away from myself or expect to be understood/accepted. I am not the reason you are angry at me. You are not the reason I am angry at myself. I will not waste my time trying to replace your ex in mind and body(sic). I only have a very short time to live, though with you it seems like an eternity. Stop saying you love me. I don't believe it and it makes me sick to try to think you have to lie about who I am. Lie no more I am crazy sad angry and me. don't like it? stop telling me you love me

Gratitude

I am grateful. Not like that reporter who reports on all the dead civilians in Iraq and throws shoes at the decider. What an ingrate. Why can't those Iraquis appreciate all the redistributing of the coffers to the multinational corporations that originally were supposed to run the Chalabi regime(rememebr Ahmed?). In the fog of war things like civilians are so insignificant compared to things like who is right who lied who didn't like the intelligence who did.
It keeps me hoping for the Iraquis who have an ax to grind with the BFEE that the phony reasons for Bush's phony wars was greed and avarice. Not democratizing or "Christianizing" the evil hordes of America Haters.
Bush is a great ducker. Even lamer Ducker. Decider Ducky. Duck Mr Decider. The shit is flying your way.
http://prosecutegeorgebush.com/

Class War

There seems to be a concensus between my GOP voting friend and myself, a rare enough occasion. There seems to be an awful lot of looting going on now. Like when CNN kept showing the guy in Bagdhad in 2004 with a lamp walking out of a museum. In our version of the Amerikkkan dream, the daily appearances of Uncle Fester Paulson with an endless list of fat cats and money people who need a lot of cash NOW, not too unlike the comments of Donald Rumsfeld that "how much can one guy steal"?
Really? how much has Bush and his criminal "war on terror" stolen from us? Not enough apparently, because they are still handing out money like there's an end to the handouts coming.
Personally I don't see an end to this until someone with a brain and some guts stands up and calls a spade a run on the treasury.