Gratitude

I am up early today. My anatomy and physiology has a special field trip planned for this morning. To the morgue to winess an autopsy, that is if anyone died overnight. In Alameda County which is the Easy Bay area of CA. which takes in Oakland, Berkeley, San Leandro, Dublin, and Livermore.
I am grateful on this day of death awareness. For the living and the dead who have provided the resources to make my life easier and more creative.
Even the Mike Malloy Show which I have not heard in a couple weeks is a wonderful thing, if you want to hear the truth. The secret is not to dwell on the shadow and to see it as a whole.
a hole a funny assed hole in the universe, where I try to fit my versionof the NOW. Here and now
Thanks Aldous. one ancestor of many here and now. in that funny assed hole the white hole in time which is now over yet never leaves as the breath comes and flows.
The sun giver of life. the waters the universal wisdom of hydrogen.
Here and now I feel alive. Thank you Goddess.
Thank. you teachers. Even the ones i did not invite to the university.
Hold me now in eternal nowness.
here and now.
Gratitude flows intention ripens .

Rats Reject Wall Street Journal

My pet rats(Stella and Hyphy) get a newspaper strip confetti shower after I clean their cage periodically. I usually use the local free daily or weekly edition for the stuff they use to feather their nests. I found a copy of the "special business edition" of the WSJ on the BART and brought it home. After three days, they have left it alone. I have two theories why: one is basic the inks are different and the smell is foreign to them, the second more akin to a conspiracy, that the rats know when something is so evil and comes from another rat so offensive racist and specieist that they even have the moral character to resist associating their household with thieves and liars such as Rupert Murdoch and the vast right wing media empire. Maybe its not rat shit I smell but the "new world odor". Smells like swine poo to me...

I feel Your Pain

When I hear all the whining I know how the right wing felt after GW Bush stole the 2000 election after hearing us whine. Except I see a distinct difference, though the pain is similar and the frustration of not being fairly represented. But really, all this about Barak Obama not really a citizen because he hasn't shown his birth cerificate to skeptical GOP members who are not accustomed to having their ass handed to them by a Negro.
My best friend calls me things i won't put in this blog but lets just say it has to do with genitalia and a non-missionary use of said genitalia. All because I voted for the winner and Nancy Pelosi ended up running the show after 6 years of GOP putsch. He says she should get tried for war crimes as she surely had all the information while Tom DeLay was running the house. But no trials are needed since some Arabs beheaded hostages and therefore we needn't follow the law anymore and all this left wing witch hunt about war crimes and torture is reason to take up arms and kill some Mexicans who are to blame for all the flu that may kill someone like him who has a compromised immune system.
Is it really who is right and who is wrong?
I think its a matter of values; do we value war and prestige based on fear or do we value peace and cooperation?
Is this a sexual dichotomy? Feminism vs fascism

Were you there?

Were you there when they teabagged Harry Reid
Were you there when they hung their bag way down
Sometimes when I think about it I tremble
Were you there when they teabagged Harry Reid

Bardo

The place in between a transitory phase referred to in the Tibetan Book of the Dead. I am in a sort of bardo. I will have no hair to catch on fire (sic) since it is mostly gone from my head anyway. One more thing I don't have to ask for. A haircut.
It has been almost two years since I last had a scheduled occupation. I am now a temp at everything. Music, teaching, school, writing/blogging, videomaking, composing, and lobbying.
The fine line between nihilism and giving up is so fine that I can no longer tell if I have lost my way or have been left for the deluded idealist I seem to have become.
The street is probably where I belong as I am not responsible for my own welfare and should not burden others to do so for me.
I am in the way of progress.
The only wrong is not to change.

54-7=now

I am at the library. Richard needed to play his video game and I needed to get out of the house. I am short rent again. Probably because i am lazy, at least too lazy to take work that I am feeling like I might get hurt doing. This week with all the rain i have felt the not too unfamiliar feelings of "brain flu" which is the best way to describe depression to someone lucky enough to only get it for a while and not for decades.
I have a midterm monday. it seems too easy for me or that I am not going deep enough and will get caught without enough knowledge to be sucessful whtver that means.
Without blaming anyone, I am feeling like I need a big change.
There is a fear inside of the future.My death i can accept as a part of this but who and how i die around is another. I cannot trust it seems anyone or I am so untrustworthy that the projection blinds me as to my own weaknesses.
I don't want to quit quite yet, still i am reluctant to go through more of this cycling through life alone and loveless in a relationship which one of necessity and not of passion.
Who am i to judge her as I have made poor decisions in the past.
My mind is clouded by my depression. She wants things to live for. I want a life and believe things come after life and not the other way around.This is a sad factoid regarding our relationship. We see the world with different eyes. We hear a different drummer. We dance to a different drummer.
So it's alienation poverty and depression I feel after almost 6 years. I will miss that.
happiness is a state i seldom visit but know exists. What makes world go around?

Waltz Inside

A waltz, one that only happens on Saturday night in Fargo ND
Plays incessantly in my head like a broken juke box in Hell, Montana
Stomp stagger stagger stomp stagger stagger stomp stagger stagger stomp stagger stagger

Pulling me into the vortex my inner black hole somewhere as vast as the whole universe
Inside just to the left of the Milky Way and Jupiter deep to the umbilicus
Stomp stagger stagger Stomp! Stagger stagger stomp stagger stagger

High Tide gets higher the deserts get drier. Throw out the lifeline someone is sinking away
Deeper and deeper I go into the enteric plexus dancing on a quite familiar dendrite
Stomp Stagger stagger stomp stagger stagger stomp stagger stagger Stomp stagger stagger

Inside cold Cement steel and aluminum ? Gray cinder block painted another shade of gray InsideAllied with phospholipid crusted cell outside the crepuscular clouds of near Solistice
Stomp Stagger stagger stomp stagger stagger stomp stagger stagger Stomp stagger stagger

Here, eat the apple. It looks good. It makes me feel the cold and I am out of coffee.
Oh bother return I must in case of disaster hypothermia if it isn’t a quake its neuropathy
Stomp Stagger stagger stomp stagger stagger stomp stagger stagger Stomp stagger stagger

I am shaking yet there is nothing there nothing tangible Are there ghosts in this bano?
No crowds of children smiling or otherwise around yet the amygdala sends out an alert
Stomp Stagger stagger stomp stagger stagger stomp stagger stagger Stomp stagger stagger

Who is going to save us? From what he has done? Who is the decider? Who has won?
The door is blocked it opens a little. I grab and pull it shut. “Someone’s in there.”
Stomp Stagger stagger stomp stagger stagger someone’s in here
Stomp stagger stagger Stomp stagger stagger depths have not cleared

Missed the Church of Parker Wallace today. A Rain out in Oaksterdam
There is an uhhhhhhh known unknown of profundity down there
Stomp Stagger stagger stomp stagger stagger stomp stagger stagger Stomp stagger stagger