I am at the library. Richard needed to play his video game and I needed to get out of the house. I am short rent again. Probably because i am lazy, at least too lazy to take work that I am feeling like I might get hurt doing. This week with all the rain i have felt the not too unfamiliar feelings of "brain flu" which is the best way to describe depression to someone lucky enough to only get it for a while and not for decades.
I have a midterm monday. it seems too easy for me or that I am not going deep enough and will get caught without enough knowledge to be sucessful whtver that means.
Without blaming anyone, I am feeling like I need a big change.
There is a fear inside of the future.My death i can accept as a part of this but who and how i die around is another. I cannot trust it seems anyone or I am so untrustworthy that the projection blinds me as to my own weaknesses.
I don't want to quit quite yet, still i am reluctant to go through more of this cycling through life alone and loveless in a relationship which one of necessity and not of passion.
Who am i to judge her as I have made poor decisions in the past.
My mind is clouded by my depression. She wants things to live for. I want a life and believe things come after life and not the other way around.This is a sad factoid regarding our relationship. We see the world with different eyes. We hear a different drummer. We dance to a different drummer.
So it's alienation poverty and depression I feel after almost 6 years. I will miss that.
happiness is a state i seldom visit but know exists. What makes world go around?
