leftveg

Newt Sucks Blood of the Dead

2011-11-18T06:32:00.000-08:00

http://news.businessweek.com/article.asp?documentKey=1376-LV1JSD6K50YD01-3AAFC4U13OJKS56R4Q4KOVLVDN

At the same time he spoke against Obamacare single-payer and Government Death Panels, Mr Newton "Tiffany" Gingrich was fattening himself at the Health Insurance Lobby Pig Trough.14,000 people die every year from being uninsured due to inadequate care. This is pure profits for health care not paid by the same people who pay Newt to denigrate poor people and the working class. How does the Newt sleep at night? Very well thank you. Big Pharma has made sure he is always "comfortable" and since he has government health care from his last "job" he needs no "government handouts". Bless you Newton for all you do for the wealthiest people who need people just like you who use their liberal education for the benefit of the few at the expense of the many.
Turkey stuffer.

Threat of the Day x2

2011-10-04T13:01:00.000-07:00

#1The "Secret" "Giveaway" "territory" and "hostile foreign power" stealing our land? You will have to narrow that down a little. How are they stealing if we are giving it away? Can I just send you a blank check?
#2Barack is just trying to help Michele to stay alive in the race for 2012. You know, "Just chill I got this."
Surprise they both think sending them money will improve something. What that is I am afraid to even imagine.

More Acorn Mail(Judicial Watch)

2011-09-30T14:59:00.000-07:00

My mom got this one today. I like the fact that you can "vote" without even opening the envelope. What will they think of next? People(read people of color and youth) might vote. This is frightening to the ultra-right. OMG. The American Center Opposing Republican Nazis (ACORN) is back in business. No wait a minute. That's not what ACORN stands for. They stood for outlawing redlining by banks in poor neighborhoods AND voter registration. Going after predatory banksters(historically the mission) which is something I guess the letter is for as well as taking money from my mother. Makes sense now. Snidely Whiplash is not in for ACORN.

Birther Mail

2011-09-28T14:10:00.000-07:00

As if they could use money as a non-profit .org to better the world by spreading this crap. My comment is "Who is asking for another round of birther ads to fatten the wallets of the racists?"

Do you Work for the Anti-Fox Government?

2011-09-23T13:51:00.000-07:00

Just arrived to help sort out opinions about the government attacks on "Fair and Balanced" Fox News Corporation. This survey for people on a GOP mailing list will help them pick talking points for the 2012 election cycle in which they will recieve unlimited funds (Citizens United 2010) from the Koch Bros who saw their fortunes increase a whoppping 40% this year. I am so glad the SCOTUS has looked out for them I am sure Mr Clarence Thomas will be getting free barbecue from them for the forseeable future.I guess now that I am on the payroll, I contribute to the anti-Fox government(sic). Thanks State Department Watch LLC for doing this hard research on the Obamaites who have attacked free speech from our beloved Fox und Freunds. Sig Heil der Hannity Sig Heil Der Bolling Sig Heil O Reichy.

Is Toby Keith Really Right Enough for SCOTUS???

2011-09-11T13:30:00.000-07:00

It might have been the faint voice of my ancestors today I heard and...

I realized that the warning 2001 from our great ex-secretary of War Mr Donald Rumsfeld in a press conference spoke of "unknown unknowns".Today, being 9/11/11 aka 10x9/11 day and all,I remembered the part of the historical demand for "vigilance" I was given a warning vision about the future. Vigilant against the dreaded SCOTUS being overthrown.

In that possible future which, if we do not re-elect Barack Obama, pbuh*, most assuredly we shall inherit Mr Toby Keith as a replacement for the 103 year-old Ruth Bader-Ginsburg after said Mr GOP candidate becomes Mr GOP Pres in 2013. I am not as frightened of that as I am concerned Mr Keith may be a Manchurian, just as Mr McCain, ready to throw the world away in a fit of passion. Is it just me or have we really fully vetted Mr K? Just singing a nice song about being right and all that, or actually possessing the stone bone fides to rule a little(or more if possible) to the right of Fat Tony Scalia? I think a vote for Barack Obama will guarantee this closet liberal(unknown known) will never again be considered for a job at SCOTU$ aka the activist judge home for the repressed conservative.
Hang in there Ruth, We(as opposed to Rush Limbaugh) are rooting for you until these(those?) people wake up and see the world as it is, an eternally dangerous and precarious place where we, fortunately, are safe from all harm because we are "vigilant" against enemies foreign and domestic even in our sleep.

*peace be upon him

The Power of Truth

2011-08-29T14:06:00.000-07:00

Angelo, my activist friend, has brought a little hope to my progressive old wounded heart. Mr Glenn Beck is no longer selling hate and gold on FoxTV. Today my right wing 88-year-old mom gets this letter with Glenny on the outside and "henny-penny the sky is falling" on the inside, because most people don't like his brand of "entertainment" which is designed to activate the amygdala before the ideas ever get to the pre-frontal cortex(liberals use that part of the brain). Fear is not selling as well as the right wing would like you to believe.
Thanks Angelo
twitter @StopBeck @Drop_Fox and http://stopbeck.com

Donny Osmond Put Me On the Fence

2011-07-04T07:35:00.000-07:00

I was always a little confused about who was attractive. Men didn't like certain types of attention and playing dolls was not an accepted method of getting to the meat of the matter. My TV times which allowed me to see the Donny and Marie Show did nothing to alleviate this confusion. I was fine with Marie and then it was puppy love. I was torn. Never to decide, now I realize those years in therapy were based on my need to have one of each. One for this and one for that. Not going to happen so I blame my ambivalence gender-wise on those pure mormon kids who touched me deeply and put me up on the fence. So I accept it now that I understand Donny and Marie(and the Hollywood Mormon mystique) ruined me.

The Last Chance for Fundamentalists

2011-07-02T21:46:00.000-07:00

The passing of a marriage equality law in NY state last week helps the right-wing fundamentalists to raise once more the false fears of the falling of our nation due to liberal laws that allow what is practiced by the majority of adults which is heterosexual and not exactly evangelical or Mormon as they would like us to believe or for that matter, Agnus Dei wouldn't like their pastors marrying the little girls they molest either if they were women. The practice which is referred to as "sodomy" is done mostly by straight people. But since anything not designed to promote the reproduction of said straight heterosexual sodomites is labelled as sodomy I assume they only think motss can actually commit these now legal acts and wish to criminalize these acts again as this will make the gay go away since it just an urge just like sodomizing your husband.wife/other.
Now legal in most of America

100 Years Later

2011-02-27T12:29:00.000-08:00

I stumbled upon this. A bit of serendipity I think as I am often inspired by what is right in my face. I have never been in want of the basics in life. I feel my experience of Dukka has not always related to my lack of accumulation of material possessions. Yet WD Wattles makes it a matter of seeking wealth to be some sort of divine purpose which parallels closely the interests of the bourgeoisie. Perhaps I will never be able to identify personal spirituality with the acquisition of power and prestige though I am quite sure it produces much of the same neuropeptide streams as the religious and sometimes self-righteous high. But to the Anglican(WASP) it is our divine right and glory to be sated in all our wants.
Sorry I do not have the source code for this citation of a 20th century philosopher.
=================================================================================

The Science of Getting Rich
by Wallace Delois Wattles, [1910]

CHAPTER 1
The Right To Be Rich

WHATEVER may be said in praise of poverty, the fact remains that it is not possible to live a really complete or successful life unless one is rich. No man can rise to his greatest possible height in talent or soul development unless he has plenty of money; for to unfold the soul and to develop talent he must have many things to use, and he cannot have these things unless he has money to buy them with.

A man develops in mind, soul, and body by making use of things, and society is so organized that man must have money in order to become the possessor of things; therefore, the basis of all advancement for man must be the science of getting rich.

The object of all life is development; and everything that lives has an inalienable right to all the development it is capable of attaining.

Man's right to life means his right to have the free and unrestricted use of all the things which may be necessary to his fullest mental, spiritual, and physical unfoldment; or, in other words, his right to be rich.

In this book, I shall not speak of riches in a figurative way; to be really rich does not mean to be satisfied or contented with a little. No man ought to be satisfied with a little if he is capable of using and enjoying more. The purpose of Nature is the advancement and unfoldment of life; and every man should have all that can contribute to the power; elegance, beauty, and richness of life; to be content with less is sinful.

The man who owns all he wants for the living of all the life he is capable of living is rich; and no man who has not plenty of money can have all he wants. Life has advanced so far, and become so complex, that even the most ordinary man or woman requires a great amount of wealth in order to live in a manner that even approaches completeness. Every person naturally wants to become all that they are capable of becoming; this desire to realize innate possibilities is inherent in human nature; we cannot help wanting to be all that we can be. Success in life is becoming what you want to be; you can become what you want to be only by making use of things, and you can have the free use of things only as you become rich enough to buy them. To understand the science of getting rich is therefore the most essential of all knowledge.

There is nothing wrong in wanting to get rich. The desire for riches is really the desire for a richer, fuller, and more abundant life; and that desire is praise worthy. The man who does not desire to live more abundantly is abnormal, and so the man who does not desire to have money enough to buy all he wants is abnormal.

There are three motives for which we live; we live for the body, we live for the mind, we live for the soul. No one of these is better or holier than the other; all are alike desirable, and no one of the three—body, mind, or soul—can live fully if either of the others is cut short of full life and expression. It is not right or noble to live only for the soul and deny mind or body; and it is wrong to live for the intellect and deny body or soul.

We are all acquainted with the loathsome consequences of living for the body and denying both mind and soul; and we see that real life means the complete expression of all that man can give forth through body, mind, and soul. Whatever he can say, no man can be really happy or satisfied unless his body is living fully in every function, and unless the same is true of his mind and his soul. Wherever there is unexpressed possibility, or function not performed, there is unsatisfied desire. Desire is possibility seeking expression, or function seeking performance.

Man cannot live fully in body without good food, comfortable clothing, and warm shelter; and without freedom from excessive toil. Rest and recreation are also necessary to his physical life .

He cannot live fully in mind without books and time to study them, without opportunity for travel and observation, or without intellectual companionship.

To live fully in mind he must have intellectual recreations, and must surround himself with all the objects of art and beauty he is capable of using and appreciating.

To live fully in soul, man must have love; and love is denied expression by poverty.

A man's highest happiness is found in the bestowal of benefits on those he loves; love finds its most natural and spontaneous expression in giving. The man who has nothing to give cannot fill his place as a husband or father, as a citizen, or as a man. It is in the use of material things that a man finds full life for his body, develops his mind, and unfolds his soul. It is therefore of supreme importance to him that he should be rich.

It is perfectly right that you should desire to be rich; if you are a normal man or woman you cannot help doing so. It is perfectly right that you should give your best attention to the Science of Getting Rich, for it is the noblest and most necessary of all studies. If you neglect this study, you are derelict in your duty to yourself, to God and humanity; for you can render to God and humanity no greater service than to make the most of yourself.

Nationalism

2011-02-08T08:59:00.000-08:00

The term "patriot" has been used to create a false sense of pride in a nation which systematically and decisively neglects and abuses our most vulnerable citizens. First the economy puts us against each other by whatever makes it appear we are different(prejudice). Whether it is race gender age race or ethnicity we are turned against each other for resources and in some cases to survive. I have little hope for a change which will help as long as there are such lies told about us which serve the powers and principalities of a nation of idiots and bigots(sic).
I am happy my state is #1 in how badly we treat the homeless.
Yeah We're Number 1!!!

Keith Olbermann

2010-11-07T12:09:00.000-08:00

I heard last night that Keith Olbermann of MSNBC has been "suspended without pay" after it was disclosed he had not revealed political contributions as suggested in his contract with GE/NBC INC. It reveals that even though he has been an unrelenting voice against the policies of the right-wing dating back to the 2003 invasion of Iraq to the 2010 election he is the only one put out as being unethical and suspect as biased to the point of being unprofessional. It would also reveal that the right-wing (FOX) has no qualms about being a shill for the GOP and the Tea Party. Actual solicitation for contributions on-air by the likes of Hannity, Beck, and O'Reilly are just fine but Olbermann has to be silenced and punished for being on the left.
I am disheartened as I ask myself, "Who will be next?" Will it be Rachel Maddow? Chris Matthews? Will we reach a point where the media is right wing only(sic) with not a single dissenting voice allowed on the left? I hope not as this will only expedite the slow lurch into corporate fascism and a society devoid of dissenting voices except those who resist anything which takes away from the have mores and the multinationals. A full discourse and a free media is our only chance for justice to return to this great(once great?) nation. Justice requires a free press. If Keith Olbermann can no longer present a voice crying in the wilderness against the powers of money over ideals, how long can we expect other essentials of democracy to persist?

My Liberal Relations

2010-07-12T17:34:00.000-07:00

This is my friend Nicole who was a professional musician for 37 years and until recently was a regular performer at Johnny Foley's Irish House in SF. I met her in 1999 about three months after moving to Oakland to attend Naropa's satellite campus. She had a personal ad which said,"If music rocks your world let's rock." We met on xmas day 1999 and played at the corner of Haight and Ashbury on the steps of Ben and Jerry's. It was unrehearsed and unchoreographed yet as the morning sun came out it was a mystical day which started our deep friendship. She always tried to keep me around with a place to play in East Bay playing at Beckett's Irish Pub for 7 years but health problems that have just been diagnosed as lymphoma left her little choice as to limited her hours to recover her strength and lead a long and full life. She gave me the diagnosis which gives adds a prognosis of less than one year to live. She has chosen not to do chemo nor radiation treatment. She worked all her life paying her own payroll and SSI taxes and will never retire. She believes education should be free. Liberal ideas get to the masses and then it becomes harder to manipulate and corral them. This is what I will miss the most is the reminders that Mr Greed will always try to get it all and we will always have to say no, nyet, nada.
Keep singing Nikki as long as you desire and breathe. In my heart I will always hear the wonderful harmony we made.

If You See These Men Together Someone Wants Your Money

2010-06-13T19:34:00.000-07:00

The mail my mom gets from fringe-wing fright mongers preying on people on fixed incomes always has one or two themes; Obama is a ___________ or a ________. He is a friend of Usama bin Laden (who was much closer to the Bush Family Evil Empire BFEE) but if you voted for Mr Shoots Wolves From Helicopter, then you are feeling the wrong people are in control. Which is kind of how I feel now but not nearly as I did for 8 years with BFEE in control. The clock ran out and they had to bail out before they bailed out. The GOP solicitations for support to defeat the legal defense of Git'mo prisoners and to impeach the president for being a Muslim Marxist Socialist Kenyan and did you notice he is black? That's the bottom line. The dark skinned people are taking our country away from us. That's good for 20$ to 100$ Oh and the gay to the SCOTUS too. Too many horrible things to mention, just send us money and we will get Justice Roberts to save prayer and Justice (Fat Tony)Scalia will save the fetuses. Hallelujah send more money and bless you. Or you're with THEM.

human Experiments

2010-06-07T09:02:00.000-07:00

The blog boingboing reports that the use of medical observers at CIA directed interrogation sites where at least 8 prisoners died during detention, indicates there are strong evidence that should be investigated by the USDoJ. Though no one was charged with war crimes, if the information obtained through public documents is true, it is looking like we have ourselves another Bush Cheney Obama moral dilemma. Should we pursue this or just "move forward"?
I am not telling.
http://www.boingboing.net/2010/06/06/scott-allen-md-lead.html#more

The Pie Wydens

2010-03-31T11:51:00.000-07:00

This week I find out that Naomi Wolfe has endorsed the Tea-Bag party as an antidote for fascism. It supports the concept that at the fringes the two ends meet sort of like a moebius.It is a spiral as noted by the Buddha. We are born into a world and bring with us an inheritance of countless lives. Many were fascists in a previous life and are quite adept at it now as a cultural practice. Others lost in the Stalinist purges are anarchists and darn good at that. The present polarization is a reincarnation of the vacuum that occcured after the great depression. The right is afraid of the left and their bicycle throwing ways while quite content at the racism,anti-government demonstrations, and militia build-ups to the point of seeing the police as an extension of the federal over reach.
Quite content with abstinence only education which helps increase birth rates for white people and the limiting of a woman's access to abortion leads to a continuation of the anti-feminist rhetoric of the far right disguised as "pro-family" and "pro-life". The use of white male supremacy to achieve rule is slowly eroding and the reactionary Tea-Bag party blames what is a demographic shift as a move towards socialism. It is nothing of the sort. It is what is achieved through years of neglect of infrastructure that is our universities and our public schools. NCLB is a band-aid put on a festering and weak patient. The only beneficiaries of NCLB are the people who create distribute and administer the exams. The arts are not so easily quantifiable and so have no purpose in the post modern world. The right wing only wants religious teaching just like the Taliban. They want women to barefoot and pregnant and out of the workforce just like the Taliban. Are we fighting in Afghanistan for women or for just another recycled fascist reincarnation? Indeed we live in ironic times when someone like Naomi Wolfe thinks the TeaBaggers are a solution to an fascist upswing in western politics.

Tylenol and Social Pain

2009-12-23T14:13:00.000-08:00

Acetaminophen For Mental Health Relief
By Rick Nauert PhD Senior News Editor
Reviewed by John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on December 22, 2009 A provocative new research study investigates the possibility that over-the-counter pain relief drugs may be helpful for treatment of depression and anxiety.

Use of OTC medications for physical aches and pain has been commonplace for decades.

A research team led by psychologist C. Nathan DeWall of the University of Kentucky College of Arts and Sciences Department of Psychology has uncovered evidence indicating that acetaminophen (the active ingredient in Tylenol) may blunt social pain.

“The idea that a drug designed to alleviate physical pain should reduce the pain of social rejection seemed simple and straightforward based on what we know about neural overlap between social and physical pain systems. To my surprise, I couldn’t find anyone who had ever tested this idea,” DeWall said.

According to a study due to be published in the journal Psychological Science, DeWall and colleagues were correct. Physical and social pain appear to overlap in the brain, relying on some of the same behavioral and neural mechanisms.

DeWall and colleagues investigated this connection through two experiments. In the first experiment, 62 healthy volunteers took 1,000 milligrams daily of either acetaminophen or a placebo. Each evening, participants reported how much they experienced social pain using a version of the “Hurt Feelings Scale” – a measurement tool widely accepted by psychologists as a valid measure of social pain.

Hurt feelings and social pain decreased over time in those taking acetaminophen, while no change was observed in subjects taking the placebo. Levels of positive emotions remained stable, with no significant changes observed in either group. These results indicate that acetaminophen use may decrease self-reported social pain over time, by impacting emotions linked to hurt feelings.

“We were very excited about these initial findings,” DeWall said.

“The next step was to identify the neural mechanisms underlying the findings.”

In the second experiment, 25 healthy volunteers took 2,000 milligrams daily of either acetaminophen or a placebo. After three weeks of taking the pills, subjects participated in a computer game rigged to create feelings of social rejection.

Functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) employed during the game revealed that acetaminophen reduced neural responses to social rejection in brain regions associated with the distress of social pain and the affective component of physical pain (the dorsal anterior cingulate cortex and anterior insula).

In other words, the parts of the brain associated with physical lit up in the placebo subjects when they were rejected, while the acetaminophen group displayed significantly less activity in these brain areas in response to rejection.

According to the academic paper detailing the experiments: “…findings suggest that at least temporary mitigation of social pain-related distress may be achieved by means of an over-the-counter painkiller that is normally used for physical aches and pains….

“Furthermore, many studies have shown that being rejected can trigger aggressive and antisocial behavior, which could lead to further complications in social life…. If acetaminophen reduces the distress of rejection, the antisocial behavioral consequences of rejection may be reduced as well.”

Researchers caution that readers should not immediately stock up on acetaminophen to ease social pain and anxiety, noting “[t]o be sure, our findings do not constitute a call for widespread use of acetaminophen to cope with all types of personal problems.

“Future research is needed to verify the potential benefits of acetaminophen on reducing emotional and antisocial responses to social rejection.”

Long-term use of acetaminophen has also been linked to serious liver damage, so it is important for patients to follow all package directions and consult their physicians if they are contemplating taking any medication for an off-label use.

“This research has the potential to change how scientists and laypersons understand physical and social pain.

“Social pain, such as chronic loneliness, damages health as much as smoking and obesity. We hope our findings can pave the way for interventions designed to reduce the pain of social rejection,” DeWall said
===============================================================================
The Chinese system views the liver as holding grief. The western view is use a pill to defeat the attempts to detoxify chemicals produced during stressors i.e. cortisols. It feels better until you die. I am glad someone is trying to find a use for a drug I no longer use die to its liver toxicity problems. The Dr I fired in 2006 was of the mind to add on to an already overloaded toxic load I had in my body. It works for some people it did not work for me. One more thought acetaminophen makes the pain of not only pain(sic) but also invisible pain of our social malaise. Brittany Spears ass used to do this for me. I am jaded.

A Poem

2009-12-13T12:06:00.001-08:00

Those who are strangers to war
Should devote themselves with fervor
To Music
Those who are strangers to war
Should devote themselves with fervor
To Music

Put down the fences and arms
Raise up your hearts and your voices
Turn off the burglar alarms
The world is a refuge of choices

Those who have given up hate
Are free to be part of the oneness
Do not compete or debate
Fullness is emptiness wholeness

All my Relations
All the Directions
All of the deepness
Inside of me

My mitochondria pulsing with hydrogen
A mystical miracle called ATP
For without this stuff there would be no me
Even though Geshe-la says this can't be

All who are strangers to war
Should devote themslves with fervor to music.
a 13th century mystic maybe influenced by Rumi.

Generosity

2009-11-29T08:23:00.000-08:00

One of the perfections is generosity. I know of one organization, The Salvation Army does many things for those who have fallen under the bus, as the last bus is pulling out of the station. Most of the people served, I found out, are women with children. Imagine that, helping homeless poor people. Some who have recently come to his country seeking a place to build a home and perhaps,if they are lucky, raise a family. We are not all born free. In fact this is all a lie. We go against the grain by being generous.Mr Greed is not a a character in a Dickens story.Greed is the emotion of fear the Tibetans call hungry ghosts. These emotions eat our minds of compassion and replace them with attachment, one of the things leading to suffering. Generosity, at the intial look, seems something for foundations and others who have enough abundance to practice. This is an incorrect view. The mind of poverty is the mind of fear. Capitalism creates the urges to only accumulate and not to give. The SA, as I was saying, is a refuge for those wrecked by the fallacy that all are created equal. They provide housing rehabilitation from alcohol drugs and abuse. They re-educate and provide literacy and ESL training for first generation immigrants. How they do this is a faith-based. But the root(mission statement) of the organization is charity aka generosity. I know we are all awash with requests for donations, this time of year even more. Generosity is built into religion as tithing in dining as tipping. It is engrained because it is going against the grain or nature of the hungry ghosts lurking on the fear circuit and going beyond these obligatory expressions of generosity is a way of saying to the universe," I have enough, Thank You Very Much."
I put my music tips in the Bellringer can yesterday as I left Walmart and I told the girl, "I am glad you are here." I recognized my blessings. I have enough if I accept it. It takes a little time but it is a choice as to accepting your grace or to feel envy at another's wealth or contempt for another's poverty, addiction, or illness.
Equanimity and generosity work hand in hand. Hand over your blessed currency.

Winter's first chill Fall's last offerings

2009-10-12T23:33:00.000-07:00

I am in school again after a long summer of adjustment after 10 years in the Bay area. I have made new friends and renewed old friendships. I am singing more now after two years away from the gigs with Nikki and the girls culminating with our trio of me Jenny Lane and Nikki. In those two years I got the rare opportunity to play hard jazz with a very great man and artist, Vince Wallace. I am not sure if I will ever play with him again, though I wish to always be "ready for NYC" if the call comes to me.
Yesterday,I rode my bicycle out to the Umatilla River. There is a new park there built since my father died in 1995 which was the last time I spent much time here. On the edge of the river in the park there is a grove of nettles, yes, stinging nettles, the kind that makes welts if they get to sting you. I collected a large bag of leaves for tea and for cooking and a smaller bag of aerial parts for my daily tonic for rhinitis.
I also finally decanted a St John's Wort/olive oil tincture I started the summer with after gathering dancing and singing as I picked the herbs and the wild flowers halfway through a 20 miles bike ride. I would later put the wort in olive oil and leave in the sun to make a soothing ointment for the frigid months ahead.This summer I also gathered and prepared tinctures of yarrow, mullein, dandelion, nettles,cactus flowers, astragulus, and burdock.
The roses and all the flowers not under the eaves have started to wilt. I have one rose I have covered with 5 buds still not opened. The last rose to open was so beautiful. It's in the kitchen by the sink right now. Two cabbages I nursed all summer finally started growing in earnest in late August. I have them covered but I am not sure if there will be much more growing to be had as the sun gets lower on the horizon.
I am now playing in three musical groups, karaoke jazz with a brass guy, a variety band of 5 and a country rock band of 6, all with the same brass guy. Not Vinnie Wallace but at least its indoors and more than once a week. Having my family back for better or worse is fine. They know me,and so far, haven't filed papers on me. I have a place to practice and a place to play. What more could a guy like me ask for? Good medicine and good friends to listen. I am grateful for all these things.Did mention I wrote one new song? I had forgotten about it. It was on my trip to SF after the long summer.
Riding my bicycle through the Haight was enough to inspire "The Goddess is Here!"
I am getting beter. Not that there aren't some challenging days, but I have laughed again for the first time in a long time.
Someone wants me healthy. Their wish in mine also.
Namaste.

Hotter Than July It is All Ready.

2009-07-03T15:04:00.000-07:00

http://forecast.weather.gov/MapClick.php?CityName=Hermiston&state=OR&site=PDT&textField1=45.8406&textField2=-119.288&e=0

Sitting and sweating almost like an Inipi experience. maybe my friend is right only the sick and the possessed should try too much heat. The corn is happy as a Bixby farmer in Tulsa.
Limeade sounds real good right now.
Now I know one reason the speaking in tongues phenomena persists. Its just a mild heat stroke.
Check out this week end's Bartcop.com blog, he's got the pulse of some of the nation no one seems to be right correct or moving easily. Take a break .

Questions for Senator Merkeley

2009-07-02T09:35:00.000-07:00

This was what I asked about yesterday. Today, the Oregonian newspaper(sic), said the single payer "Oregon/Wyden Option" is "Too Radical ". I heard the losers complain about higher taxes and socialism Lions tigers and bears Oh My!
I heard Rep Walden this morning on the radio state that single payer health care is “off the table” yet a substantial majority over 90% of Democrats support some system to cover 45 million Americans with no access to a regular dr and preventive/wellness programs offered through HMOs.
We spend more by far per capita yet 18-20k people die prematurely due to poor medical access and/or no insurance.
At one point in our history medicine was a sacred practice, Now money trumps ethics and hence injustice results.
Senator Merkeley, can you tell me why Senator Baucus left no seats for anyone representing those 45 million people in the Senate ways and means committee meeting on health care finance? Anyone who did ask these questions was arrested. Senator Baucus and Grassley made a joking matter in fact, I watched the video. This is no laughing matter. Where is the shared sacrifice from the fats cats who sit on the boards of the medical and pharmaceutical corporations? Why can’t medi-care be extended to all Americans?
When will we have national parity laws for mental/nervous disorders?

Two Gigs One Day

2009-06-28T00:21:00.000-07:00

Today I woke up early for the Farmer's market. My friend plays trumpet, trombone, and flugelhorn. He sings also but is not as serious as I am about it though he is a bit serious about most everything else.
We have had two gigs as a duo since I have moved back into this place. The video is up from this morning.We made money and now I have paid my saxophone repair bill.
The sight of an old neighbor and two classmates made my day.
Tonight with 6 people making music it became tense as we added another person to sing. I would rather just use a piano than try to use the rhythm attachment but I don't play much bass or treble for that matter so I have no point except that I had to check myself and keep myself grounded and as simple as things are I still can't do everything> It's a lot just to play in a bar after 2 years away from Beckett's.
I had many flashbacks. My own old ways only prevented by a good diet and the understnding which comes after asking for just that. I don't remember being angry or rude , it just was interpreted as such. and my nature was not as i seemed.
I felt the love. Others poisoned by fear ignorance and hunger saw their own story played out. My own has been one of dependence. It is not out of weakness but as a result of many compromises and sacrifices i have made to remain in my domain playing. Now I have to ask once more if the music goes on then i need help.It shall remain as there in Cali, here I also may need the help of others.

6-15-09

2009-06-15T22:55:00.000-07:00

Mom left a Jackson on the dining room table. I picked it up and asked, "Is this for gas?" She said, "Yes, and while you're in Pendleton, Check at Safeway and see how much gas costs there." It's her way of making sure all the routes are covered.
I left for Pendleton, the county seat, the same one famous for woolen apparel rodeo and its fine Community College. I popped in a cassette I had "randomly" chosen frm the box of tapes I never edited or transferred to cd or mp3 or threw away. Now is their sterling moment as i revive the dialogues that formed some of my present philosophies. Jack Kornfeld and Michael Tom speaking of compassion.
I was on time as I hit the freeway interchange 3 miles from home. I saw and picked up a hitch-hiker, something I hadn't done for a long time, since I had given my car away to the City of San Francisco in May of 2000 the same week I graduated from college the last time around.The HHer looked and talked about mid to late forties, jobless, homeless, and in the last 16 months his four closest and most dependable friends had all died of natural causes if you drink and smoke too much naturally.
We talked about what had happened to him and to the nation we didn't really get around to the world it was only 20 minutes. He complained about his bad back and how he had an xray years ago and the intervertebral discs were already deteriorating aka bone on bone in lumbar land. He also said sleeping on the ground was hard and he woke up when he rolled over.
I talked about how we were robbed by the savings and loan scandal and then the stock market and then the war and then there was AIG all dogs all the time. He started to ask me for a hand out as I stopped to let him out by the exit. I had heard so many people asking for help in Golden Gate Park just two weeks ago. It didn't feel any different except he looked just like me.I slipped him a 10 and wished him peace. I am 800 miles away but the same dukka are here. A promise of a job in another state. It beats begging when everyone looks like you. At the gas station, a young man looking more the Haight hippie apparently out of his element with a sign "stupid and ugly fill me up". I hope he gets awayfrom here without any problems. A sense of humor can be a dangerous thing.
Up at Harvard on the Hill, Blue U, aka Blue Mountain CC I walked into Morrow Hall to be advised as to my predicament. My non-challenged course work is only 4 classes to finish my pre-requisites for nursing school. But here all the classes are full until next year. None of them is being offered except by one instructor who can choose whether or not to add another unit of Chem 104.Or microbiology.
Its my own deficits in Mathematics that hinder my entry into nursing school. But plan c may develop into plan d soon.

Oregon Grapes

2009-06-12T21:56:00.000-07:00

My arrival in Oregon from Cali was a relief and then it hit me after 10 years south and 6 years in the relationship I have no gig, no partner, no stepchildren, and no place to spread out until I get all the former tenant(my brother) shite outta heya.
I am raw now with only a a daily ration of chores to take me away from my existential angst and general anger at being treated like a queer and a deadbeat. I found the bottom line was there is only a bottom line.
I needed to go away a long time ago. I was afraid of appearing lost or a failure but how could I succeed with someone who is so insensitive to my needs and desires as to want me to strive for their success as they ignore my life.
I am not sure if I will ever have a balanced relationship. I only know I could no longer bear the agony of a loveless isolated life in a "family" not my own and not of my choosing.
Nor could I bear the life of being a parent to someone who only wants me out and yet be blamed for leaving.
Its shame when things don't work out. Sadder still to pretend you're happy when you are miserable. I have been miserable for so long I forgot to ask for help. This time it was almost too late.I hope someone reads this. I have given up hope having anyone understand me.

Gratitude

2009-05-22T06:12:00.000-07:00

I am up early today. My anatomy and physiology has a special field trip planned for this morning. To the morgue to winess an autopsy, that is if anyone died overnight. In Alameda County which is the Easy Bay area of CA. which takes in Oakland, Berkeley, San Leandro, Dublin, and Livermore.
I am grateful on this day of death awareness. For the living and the dead who have provided the resources to make my life easier and more creative.
Even the Mike Malloy Show which I have not heard in a couple weeks is a wonderful thing, if you want to hear the truth. The secret is not to dwell on the shadow and to see it as a whole.
a hole a funny assed hole in the universe, where I try to fit my versionof the NOW. Here and now
Thanks Aldous. one ancestor of many here and now. in that funny assed hole the white hole in time which is now over yet never leaves as the breath comes and flows.
The sun giver of life. the waters the universal wisdom of hydrogen.
Here and now I feel alive. Thank you Goddess.
Thank. you teachers. Even the ones i did not invite to the university.
Hold me now in eternal nowness.
here and now.
Gratitude flows intention ripens .

Rats Reject Wall Street Journal

2009-04-29T14:57:00.001-07:00

My pet rats(Stella and Hyphy) get a newspaper strip confetti shower after I clean their cage periodically. I usually use the local free daily or weekly edition for the stuff they use to feather their nests. I found a copy of the "special business edition" of the WSJ on the BART and brought it home. After three days, they have left it alone. I have two theories why: one is basic the inks are different and the smell is foreign to them, the second more akin to a conspiracy, that the rats know when something is so evil and comes from another rat so offensive racist and specieist that they even have the moral character to resist associating their household with thieves and liars such as Rupert Murdoch and the vast right wing media empire. Maybe its not rat shit I smell but the "new world odor". Smells like swine poo to me...

I feel Your Pain

2009-04-25T22:55:00.000-07:00

When I hear all the whining I know how the right wing felt after GW Bush stole the 2000 election after hearing us whine. Except I see a distinct difference, though the pain is similar and the frustration of not being fairly represented. But really, all this about Barak Obama not really a citizen because he hasn't shown his birth cerificate to skeptical GOP members who are not accustomed to having their ass handed to them by a Negro.
My best friend calls me things i won't put in this blog but lets just say it has to do with genitalia and a non-missionary use of said genitalia. All because I voted for the winner and Nancy Pelosi ended up running the show after 6 years of GOP putsch. He says she should get tried for war crimes as she surely had all the information while Tom DeLay was running the house. But no trials are needed since some Arabs beheaded hostages and therefore we needn't follow the law anymore and all this left wing witch hunt about war crimes and torture is reason to take up arms and kill some Mexicans who are to blame for all the flu that may kill someone like him who has a compromised immune system.
Is it really who is right and who is wrong?
I think its a matter of values; do we value war and prestige based on fear or do we value peace and cooperation?
Is this a sexual dichotomy? Feminism vs fascism

Were you there?

2009-04-15T23:24:00.000-07:00

Were you there when they teabagged Harry Reid
Were you there when they hung their bag way down
Sometimes when I think about it I tremble
Were you there when they teabagged Harry Reid

Bardo

2009-03-01T17:14:00.000-08:00

The place in between a transitory phase referred to in the Tibetan Book of the Dead. I am in a sort of bardo. I will have no hair to catch on fire (sic) since it is mostly gone from my head anyway. One more thing I don't have to ask for. A haircut.
It has been almost two years since I last had a scheduled occupation. I am now a temp at everything. Music, teaching, school, writing/blogging, videomaking, composing, and lobbying.
The fine line between nihilism and giving up is so fine that I can no longer tell if I have lost my way or have been left for the deluded idealist I seem to have become.
The street is probably where I belong as I am not responsible for my own welfare and should not burden others to do so for me.
I am in the way of progress.
The only wrong is not to change.

54-7=now

2009-02-28T16:22:00.000-08:00

I am at the library. Richard needed to play his video game and I needed to get out of the house. I am short rent again. Probably because i am lazy, at least too lazy to take work that I am feeling like I might get hurt doing. This week with all the rain i have felt the not too unfamiliar feelings of "brain flu" which is the best way to describe depression to someone lucky enough to only get it for a while and not for decades.
I have a midterm monday. it seems too easy for me or that I am not going deep enough and will get caught without enough knowledge to be sucessful whtver that means.
Without blaming anyone, I am feeling like I need a big change.
There is a fear inside of the future.My death i can accept as a part of this but who and how i die around is another. I cannot trust it seems anyone or I am so untrustworthy that the projection blinds me as to my own weaknesses.
I don't want to quit quite yet, still i am reluctant to go through more of this cycling through life alone and loveless in a relationship which one of necessity and not of passion.
Who am i to judge her as I have made poor decisions in the past.
My mind is clouded by my depression. She wants things to live for. I want a life and believe things come after life and not the other way around.This is a sad factoid regarding our relationship. We see the world with different eyes. We hear a different drummer. We dance to a different drummer.
So it's alienation poverty and depression I feel after almost 6 years. I will miss that.
happiness is a state i seldom visit but know exists. What makes world go around?

Waltz Inside

2009-01-17T21:07:00.000-08:00

A waltz, one that only happens on Saturday night in Fargo ND
Plays incessantly in my head like a broken juke box in Hell, Montana
Stomp stagger stagger stomp stagger stagger stomp stagger stagger stomp stagger stagger

Pulling me into the vortex my inner black hole somewhere as vast as the whole universe
Inside just to the left of the Milky Way and Jupiter deep to the umbilicus
Stomp stagger stagger Stomp! Stagger stagger stomp stagger stagger

High Tide gets higher the deserts get drier. Throw out the lifeline someone is sinking away
Deeper and deeper I go into the enteric plexus dancing on a quite familiar dendrite
Stomp Stagger stagger stomp stagger stagger stomp stagger stagger Stomp stagger stagger

Inside cold Cement steel and aluminum ? Gray cinder block painted another shade of gray InsideAllied with phospholipid crusted cell outside the crepuscular clouds of near Solistice
Stomp Stagger stagger stomp stagger stagger stomp stagger stagger Stomp stagger stagger

Here, eat the apple. It looks good. It makes me feel the cold and I am out of coffee.
Oh bother return I must in case of disaster hypothermia if it isn’t a quake its neuropathy
Stomp Stagger stagger stomp stagger stagger stomp stagger stagger Stomp stagger stagger

I am shaking yet there is nothing there nothing tangible Are there ghosts in this bano?
No crowds of children smiling or otherwise around yet the amygdala sends out an alert
Stomp Stagger stagger stomp stagger stagger stomp stagger stagger Stomp stagger stagger

Who is going to save us? From what he has done? Who is the decider? Who has won?
The door is blocked it opens a little. I grab and pull it shut. “Someone’s in there.”
Stomp Stagger stagger stomp stagger stagger someone’s in here
Stomp stagger stagger Stomp stagger stagger depths have not cleared

Missed the Church of Parker Wallace today. A Rain out in Oaksterdam
There is an uhhhhhhh known unknown of profundity down there
Stomp Stagger stagger stomp stagger stagger stomp stagger stagger Stomp stagger stagger

Existential Baptist Mural

2009-01-03T20:18:00.000-08:00

As we were taking some stuff we can't use or fit into our humble apartment to a consignment shop. I spied this wonderful art inspired by the Roman crucifixion of Jesua of Nazareth. On the sidewalk was a sign announcing the existential definition Who am I? What am I doing here? Where am I going? Except they left out the question marks...Why????
Which is a good way to make a fella worrisome about hell or missing out on a good condo deal or having too much time on their hands. The preacher had many things to do to take ones mind off of the subject of destiny or salvation or sin and death. The cross seems to underscore the need to OBEY. or BURN. this is my first attempt at my religious doctrinal evolution.
At the cross at the cross
where I first saw the light
and the burden of my sins rolled away.

Heck, you can get a really good deal on a rollaway just across the street from Calvary.
Now that's service.Gawd Bless America!

Rain really F**** Me Up

2009-01-02T12:39:00.000-08:00

Here and now I am sad and angry about life. The world as we know it(sic) is a troubled and dangerous place. Especially for pussies and wimps like myself.A real man would fight for his life his place and his honor(sic). Me,, on the other hand am content to suck up and take the abuse that is a result of my own failures and weaknesses. The depression which, according to my partner, is my own design my own creation and my own defense against happiness. I guess I would be happy and content if only I would just see how wonderful life is to the unjaded. I am not in that category. I have lost my way only to be rescued by someone who really really really loves me but who denies my feelings and my emotional well-being in the process. If i have a home i should by default be happy just to have a place to sleep, even if I do not sleep well. I am free to be denied my true feelings are real. Geejus this is just like my family of origin. They also think I am an emotional idiot. So after attempting to find a true bearing in this life, I have walked away from my partner's anger at me for not accepting my own sense of fear and anxiety over the present state of affairs. Its gray out today. The rain really makes me sad. I left anyway because I do not want to argue about what I have and where it is stored. Do I use it every day? No so it needs to go. Maybe i need to go also falling further away from myself or expect to be understood/accepted. I am not the reason you are angry at me. You are not the reason I am angry at myself. I will not waste my time trying to replace your ex in mind and body(sic). I only have a very short time to live, though with you it seems like an eternity. Stop saying you love me. I don't believe it and it makes me sick to try to think you have to lie about who I am. Lie no more I am crazy sad angry and me. don't like it? stop telling me you love me

Gratitude

2008-12-16T05:11:00.000-08:00

I am grateful. Not like that reporter who reports on all the dead civilians in Iraq and throws shoes at the decider. What an ingrate. Why can't those Iraquis appreciate all the redistributing of the coffers to the multinational corporations that originally were supposed to run the Chalabi regime(rememebr Ahmed?). In the fog of war things like civilians are so insignificant compared to things like who is right who lied who didn't like the intelligence who did.
It keeps me hoping for the Iraquis who have an ax to grind with the BFEE that the phony reasons for Bush's phony wars was greed and avarice. Not democratizing or "Christianizing" the evil hordes of America Haters.
Bush is a great ducker. Even lamer Ducker. Decider Ducky. Duck Mr Decider. The shit is flying your way.
http://prosecutegeorgebush.com/

Class War

2008-12-01T23:01:00.000-08:00

There seems to be a concensus between my GOP voting friend and myself, a rare enough occasion. There seems to be an awful lot of looting going on now. Like when CNN kept showing the guy in Bagdhad in 2004 with a lamp walking out of a museum. In our version of the Amerikkkan dream, the daily appearances of Uncle Fester Paulson with an endless list of fat cats and money people who need a lot of cash NOW, not too unlike the comments of Donald Rumsfeld that "how much can one guy steal"?
Really? how much has Bush and his criminal "war on terror" stolen from us? Not enough apparently, because they are still handing out money like there's an end to the handouts coming.
Personally I don't see an end to this until someone with a brain and some guts stands up and calls a spade a run on the treasury.

Carnival of Life

2008-11-29T03:28:00.000-08:00

Carnival of Life

Everyone’s a winner in the Carnival of Life
Look how lucky Mr Palin was when he got himself a wife
She brought him 5 fine children and she brought him lots of fame
Now she gets to blow the smoke for Mr John McCain

Everyone’s a winner in the crapshoot vetting game
Look at Mr Straight Talk Looky Look at John McCain
How’d she get so lucky? Could it be beginner’s luck
Everyone’s a winner with God and with a Buck

Everyone’s a winner in this so-called democracy
Where unseen hands choose unknown folks to take our Liberty
It’s bad cop Sarah Good cop John In the latest spinning wheel
It makes me wonder what McCain dressed up as for Let’s Make a Deal

Everyone’s a winner in the carnival of life
Especially for Ms Sarah the beautiful first dude’s wife
She’s got all the answers for the troubles in the world
She’s got all the answers Joe Lieberman can teach a girl.

Everyone’s a winner in the free economy
Looky look at the Freddies Look at AIG
Bailing out a sinking ship until we get to vote
Maxxing out the credit card to keep the ship of state afloat.

Everyone’s a winner in a world that’s based on lies
Take your prozac drink your wine whatever blinds your eyes
I myself am nauseous from just watching on TV
Watching and a-waiting for my winning lottery.

The McCain Rag

2008-11-27T12:51:00.000-08:00

McCain Rag
Take the predators out of the chain
Then you’ll have food until nothing remains
Shoot a lot of wolves from above in a plane
The environmental policy of Palin McCain

Pay off the bankers who gave to your cause
Makes McCain look a little like Ol’ Santa Claus
Please don’t say a word about the Keating five
He’s trying excite the base with all of her jive

Looky looky! Mommy at John McCain
He’s taking himself a youthful bride again
Don’t tell Cindy she’s out on the town
Third time’s the charm, man, he sure gets around.

Let’s tell some lies then lie some more
Let’s get those pundits to promote the war
Let’s get those talking points from Mr Rove
Leave behind no fingerprints or bloody gloves.

That bridge to nowhere was built by aliens
Who else in Alaska would take a buck from Washington?
We got no problems we can’t fix ourselves
Like burning up those books we had pulled off the shelves

We’ll cut your taxes and we’ll fight four wars
If foreign bankers will just loan us more
Our friends at Citibank Halliburton and Exxon
Want all your money if it ain’t all gone

Why Does Sarah Palin Hate Wolves? Caribou Barbie Inspires another Song

2008-11-18T14:39:00.000-08:00

If there ever was a reason to hate our canine allies, I have never known one. But the former Governor of Alaska seems to reap immense pleasure and self-gratification from slaughtering predators. The Joy of Helicopter Hunting by Ms Sarah Palin will be just one possible title for her upcoming $7 million book deal. She is, of course, making in the model of the strong woman leader like Margaret Thatcher and Madeline Albright who like wars and other manly things that the static feminine try to avoid. By the results of the election, I think war isn't as Mavericky as she thought but who knows we may be in for a last round of saber rattling by the time all of Dick Cheney and Don Rumsfeld's mischief has ripened. Let's just hope Mr McSane keeps his promise to catch Usama bin Laden, the son of Bush's good friend in the Oil Business. Or was that just a campaign promise? All bets are off in the war on terrorism. To a wolf, Sarah Palin is a terrorist.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PqlBq-E0nbc

Message to Karl Rove FOX " News" Consultant

2008-09-05T00:12:00.000-07:00

http://in.youtube.com/watch?v=A01OP1NdTtE

"...unless there is a crime"...

2008-07-31T23:11:00.000-07:00

Ms Pelosi spoke about the impeachment again on E. There apparently will be no impeachment proceedings on the table " unless there is a crime" is a quote I think i can live with. Apparently murder is not a crime. Bugliosi says he will expect someone will proceed with some kind of legal pursuit of the giggling killer since murder and war crimes have no statute of limitations. It was 31 years after Pinochet got "Pinocheted".
Who will have the Kay Jones to go after the BFEE? Not I said the pacifist.
Note there is a black out on the book. "The Prosecution of George W Bush for Murder" not a quote Vincent Bugliosi. Google that.

Is Canada on Its Last Leg?

2008-07-27T22:52:00.000-07:00

Prime minister Harper wants to beef up the military to defend the True North. We want their Diamonds, oil and tar sands. I know how much those Nano surfaced highways for hydrogen cell cars are going to cost if we buy the asphalt from Venezuela. Also after the dollar finally bottoms out the new Amero will need some of the Klondike gold to start the new North American Currency. This Canada Goose stopped me in my tracks and made me think about how complacent and smug these guys up there are for the future. He makes it look easy but is he really comfortable even with the national health care system up there?

Gratitude

2008-07-21T08:52:00.001-07:00

Two new books on the rush to war based on lies and deception are worrying the neocons. hallelujah Bush is leaving soon.

Good Morning Viet Nam

2008-07-18T06:47:00.000-07:00

Good news for Basa fishermen, the U$A domestic catfish crop has collapsed. Now they can get a decent price for their produce. And Mississippi, well it can sink into the black hole that once was the "Gulf". Let then eat Basa.
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/07/18/business/18catfish.html?pagewanted=2&_r=1&hp

Luxuries

2008-07-14T22:38:00.000-07:00

The seasonal fruit I love is now past, if I only buy local. Cherry season moving North already past the Gorge and into the Chelan country soon to be in the Okanogan at maybe 9$ a lb but possible right?
The price of fresh fruit is a reason to get into the money game. I am ready to be a player. Bring me the Bings, Bra.

What No Signing Statement, George?

2008-07-11T10:13:00.001-07:00

The FISA 2008 Bill with it's Carte Blanche for the telecommies, is signed and placed into the vault sans signing statement. I guess this one needs no rewrite by The Decider.

Advocacy for Vets

2008-07-10T19:09:00.000-07:00

To day I got a call from a man in OR who is a disabled US Navy veteran with PTSD. He drove 60 miles to the nearest VA clinic and stood on wobbly knees waiting for 15 minutes for a receptionist to acknowledge and sign him on for a blood draw. The PA announcement reports, "System failure computer link is not established." after the announcement, the receptionist/nurse came out to tell my friend, " Sorry there isn't anything we can do for you at this time." To which my friend walked outside the office and yelled, "F@#k the V.A." and the security officer heard him and said he would have to stop or be put under arrest and shipped to federal detention facility 150 miles away. My friend says, "O.K. arrest me. Maybe I will at least get someone to treat me, I am not resisting arrest."
The security officer suggested he talk a while before turning himself in to the authorities. About that time, another vet walked up who knew my friend's medical condition which includes sensitivity to heat, and tried to coach my friend to get away from the heat and away from the officer. The officer who wasn't sure he wanted my friend to return inside the clinic, told the olther vet to back off as we " had a situation here."
My friend was released and drove 15 minutes before he realized he still hadn't gotten his blood draw and had to return. His car gets 14 MPG in town and the VA pays him 12.55 for the mileage. (120). How many men each day get treated like this or are denied services because of their disability? The VA is understaffed and at times a liability to the government as it takes so long to provides services that familes are endangered and lives are lost. These casualties of war are never counted in the statistics. If you know a vet realize they put their lives on the line for the elites in this nation who got a 10 trillion dollar tax break from Bush Co.
Too bad we waste so much on weapons systems and not enough on health housing and counseling for our veterans. Same as it ever was, just ask any civil war veteran.

Good For Pigeons

2008-07-05T23:24:00.001-07:00

I sat on the bench at the Yacht Club and a pigeon landed near by and walked in my direction. I looked on the ground as he/she pecked at a dried leaf which got stuck for a moment and she/he shook it off and didn’t seem to give it second thought. I remembered I had packed a snack in my saddlebag. I pulled out the Tupperware and ate a couple cherries and threw a soft juicy one his/her way. The pigeon did not seem to notice it as she/he looked around for more stuff in a fairly barren wasteland. I moved over to the fishing dock and watched an obviously home made stern wheel boat with an on-deck stove smokin’ away. The pigeon followed me expecting me to eat more and perhaps spill a little something something her way. I then noticed the almost empty bag of Fiery Hot Cheetos left on the dock. The pigeon was pecking away at the found treasure.
0 grams trans fat
the label said. I looked at the ingredients. Hydrogenated soybean oil… huh isn’t that trans fat?
Well I was worried about my friend Ms Pigeon getting cancer. I spoke up. “Hey, Pigeon! Don’t eat that. It will give you cancer.” He ignored my politically correct act of compassionate informational lobbying. I then had the insight of the day. Pigeons don’t live long enough to get cancer. Duh. So I am being compassionate about diet for a hungry pigeon whose main concern is getting enough calories to be able to fly. Mine on the other hand, is to eat enough of the right foods to not fly too soon.
Good for pigeons. Cheetos Fiery Hot Snacks.

Right Wing Kool-Aid

2008-07-04T16:07:00.000-07:00

4th of July

2008-07-04T10:42:00.000-07:00

Rant Rant Rant Lie Lie Lie
Blah Blah Blah HUGE Release of Methane

Guess Who?
Yes that's Right it's Rush Limbaugh. My impression.
Thank you

No More Pineapple Juice

2008-06-30T22:51:00.000-07:00

I just got back from Trader Joe's where I normally buy a 2 liter bottle of Hawaiian Pineapple juice. Sometimes I ask when I can't find something. The manager said, "Sorry it's too expensive to ship and sell at our prices." The end of cheap food is here not that 3.79 was all that cheap for non-organic juice. So I returned to my old standard stand-by organic apple juice. It's great but it doesn't have the same enzymes. Where are those wonderful Mexican pineapples I ate the last time I was south.?

Wow am I Depressed?! #$%^&???

2008-06-28T13:10:00.000-07:00

Get Well Revised

2008-06-28T00:24:00.000-07:00

Hey Mike
The itsy bitsy Recluse climbed up the water spout.
Along came Malloy and flushed that sucker out.
Recluse went and bit Mikey on the arm.
He thought it was a Bee and Benadryl would protect him from harm.
The next day Mike's heart slows way down.
He and the family had to go to town.

They found it wasn't a Bee at Emergency
Twas a bite from from a badass spidee
Its nice to have clean place, Mike
And its nice to be nice and tidy
But put on gloves
The ones you love
Don't want to be the ones to identify the body.
(with apologiies to Ogden Nash)

I am glad you're back and you're gonna be OK. Next time get the secret service to clear the brush of spiders like they do for the giggling killer.

Mike Malloy

2008-06-26T00:25:00.000-07:00

Hey Mike, I heard you got bit by one of them bees. "You ever know anyone that got stung by a dead bee?"
Do you know who said that? and in what movie?
I hope you recover soon. The guy who replaced you was just this side of Mike weiner to me.
Hope you like the card. I like you. I miss you. We miss you. Did you know they have made 'artificial" insects at UC Berkeley that fly and stuff for the DoD. You don't think they ... nah.'
Take care keep your light shining.
Peace

Size Matters: A Note to Jian Ghomeshi Q Host CBC Radio

2008-06-25T00:58:00.000-07:00

Hey Jian
The top 10% eat a lot of turf. Some of them are on your show.
http://nl1873.policyalternatives.org
Please Jian, remind your rich friends and guests to be good examples and promote ecological simplicity. Not saying you have to move into a yurt.

I appreciated the ribbing you gave to Billy Bragg about being the punk-socialist jet setter in these last days of carbon wasting. I think the touchies and feelies coming to digital entertainment might represent the alternative to touring. Imagine 3D holographic rock shows in arenas, a kind holodeck for concerts which is what some struggling opera companies are attempting. But that might put more people out of work than disco(sic). Forget it, man. I was only dreaming.
"What a wonderful World"

BTW
I love your show.
www.q@cbc.ca

Carlin

2008-06-24T10:50:00.000-07:00

George was a man of honor in that he never said what he thought would please the POWERS. I appreciate his candor in fact he probably inspired the type of raw honesty I have used to defend myself in times of certain hypocrisy and flakiness.
He seemed to believe in justice without the fear/need of God. In a way this makes him a little more a man than those motivated by fear and the proposition that they might get to reap a reward of heavenly proportions(you name it the Christians, Hindus even the Buddhist NKT promises a "Pure Land" in the end and the Muslim harem of virgins for the patriot warriors) It seems that war gets a lot of nastiness out of the way. It clears away any doubts about who is right and conversely who is wrong... Which, as Carlin so aptly spoke about, is what gets us so readily into wars and conflicts. It's to protect our "stuff". The stuff of madness he won't have to defy anymore. Peace be with you Mr. Carlin.

Little Scotty

2008-06-20T21:56:00.000-07:00

How does Karl Rove allow Little Scotty McClellen to speak his peace to the House Judiciary Committee? Rumor has it that McCain won't make it to the election. I think Scotty may have some unseen health concerns also and soon. This may be why he has seemed to have a crumb in his craw to clear his slate before he moves on for good. Even though we have his new book it is not going to reveal exactly what inspired him to turn on the BFEE.

Homeland Security

2008-06-20T00:35:00.000-07:00

On my way back from the bike shop, I stopped at the rowing club to rest a bit and have some medicine and watch the sailboats and other watercraft. I noticed our Local Coast Guard boat heading up the channel. I counted the crew(6) and noted they were out at a nice time of day after lighting up I turned around and saw they were now towing another water craft. My first thought, "OK, They're arresting someone, or No they're helping a stranded craft get safely out of the navigation channel." BINGO. Only one hitch, the stranded craft was another Local Coast Guard Craft." Now were they training in rescue techniques or do our Local Coast Guard watercraft need a tune-up just in case the 4th largest port in North America has a problem?

I hope I am being naive and it was just rookies getting a handle on stringing out a tow line. And not a case of, as in Iraq, equipment that is substandard and failing in the everyday operations in smooth seas and moderate temperatures. I am being ever vigilant anyway until I know things are safely back in the hands of the other guys.

No Singing Allowed

2008-06-18T11:25:00.000-07:00

I called the White House Comment Line. 202-456-1111. I wanted to speak a little about my pride in guys who are still working for me in D.C. Mr Kucinich once more started impeachment articles. Mr Wexler joined him in the work. I called the comment line and started to sing "I'm So Proud" with new words. The volunteer started to shout "Don't Sing! Don't Sing!" I was taken aback by this censorship and then i realized this is a volunteer, they don't want to have to try to transcribe the words to a song sung over the phone. It is hard for even a trained musician to decipher the sounds of distortion. Another sign of the loss of freedom. The silencing of the song. Isn't singing a pursuit of happiness? What does the new signing statement constitution look like? When W re-writes the damn piece of paper will it resemble anything that the founders wrote? i hardly think so and if it does it didn't come from the brain of Dick Cheney(Darth).

Hate Speech

2008-06-17T09:56:00.000-07:00

Michael Reagan is now promoting hate speech which if he were a leftist would be considered terrorism. In fact it is terrorism. To call for murdering babies and mothers and the final solution, killing all the residents of the Middle East.
It is a sad state of affairs when someone who claims the name of Grandpa Reagan and acts like Joseph Goebells. If he was broadcasting in Germany he would be arrested and tried for war crimes. Thank God the war is protecting his right to hate and to ask others to hate and hope for murder and mayhem. Thank God his sponsors are getting their money's worth from Mr Reagan. They won't get my money though and they will get my boot in the ass if I ever get that close, but no grenades. Grenades are exclusively for fascists like Michael Reagan to kill 1 year old babies and their mothers.

Regrets

2008-06-16T12:25:00.000-07:00

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/06/15/opinion/15dowd.html?em&ex=1213761600&en=b127e362f13ca708&ei=5087%0A

The article By MoDowd from Paris tells how Mr Bush has not really changed at all since 2002. It is the sign of a sociopath that kills so many people and has no regrets. I have regrets maybe I am making up for his insensitivity to the mayhem and violence perpetrated by his war on terrorism. The use of cluster ordinances on civillian targets in Afghanistan and Iraq the detention and torture of children and the wiretapping of US domestic communications without warrants. Only three of 35 articles of impeachment presented to the US Congress one week ago.

At least I do not regret voting for the guy or standing sliently as he declared his wars. I only regret the ineffeicency with which the congress and the citizens of this great nation had in delaying or defeating the fascist putsch of the Neocon (Perl Wolfowitz Rumsfeld) forces that ruled foreign policy.
7 dollars for some commodities.

Home

2008-06-14T10:13:00.000-07:00

Its Saturday and I am listening to www.kboo.fm bluegrass music in fact from 9-12 in the morning. I am writng here because my other blog is down for some reason www.myspace.com/bcmartinmusic
There is a video of my present musical endeavor. There is a picture of me age 3 before I had my innocence taken from me. How did I know I was going to be a Buddhist? Yeah the fat guy they burn incense on. Shakymuni was not obese and not an ecstatic either though nirvana is approached in his teachings. Speaking of teachers I saw Matthew Fox walking through my space where I actually play. It's our church, Mat. Come on by and you don't have to partake in the sacraments but if you listen carefully you can hear all the places Jazz was in our jams.
The next day after I talked to Mat and invted him to come by and listen, I was at the rowing club on the bench medicating and a young man approached around the corner and asked if he could sit dowm. i smiled and said of course to which he commented that some people are not so friendly. His story in short, evicted for being poor HIV+ and can't handle the rent increase on disablilty SSI. Thrown out of a shelter after being taken for his last 20$ and wondering where he is going to sleep, if he should take his meds without food even though he knows it will make himsick.
I gave him some medicine. I gave him my scarf I recieved from my musician friend from Thailand. I gave him 10 $ I just happened to have for such emergencies. I thought of Matthew at that time. Am I a "minister"? where is my sangha? How do I transform and do the "work". It costs money to be a mystic healer. Can you send me some please Ms Universe?
Just enough not too much.
Thank you

Where Did That Year Go?

2008-05-10T11:41:00.001-07:00

Its the 10th of May. I have worked exactly one day since last march(07). It has been a long year. My So almost dying and her maternal unit dying in January. My lack of work has varied as to its severity in psychosocial stressors. I have been threatened with eviction and I have been to the depths of winter depression on top of all of it. I have had at least three interviews for work and not a single close call or second interview. I guess enigma would be a good word to describe myself. What is my problem? I should be making fat dough, right? I am just a gullible and innocent country boy inside and the city has eaten me up.
I didn't get my EBT food today and it upsets me. Not that I can't survivce without them but it gives me a little ease. i should be ashamed i cannot just get a job and walk free and happy to the kingdom of god. But it isn't quite working that way.
I thought I had hope and faith enough to get through all of this. On some days i do have enough. Today it seems likely I will not have the courage to smile and forget how close to desperation I really am. I am grateful for all my friends and family who beleive in me. I am just not so sure why they do . Its all a bunch of hopeless half starts and stops I have made all my life and these thinsg now haunt me. I was taught to let go of these and it is not as easy to do as to speak. I have lost things slowly over time and at times I delude myself by thinking I can just walkaway from it all. which is a choice but one i feel would be a disgrace to my small life I have lived. So I once more seem to have failed in my efforts to make a slight difference in the scene.
Maybe someone else will take it from me and i won't have to go all the way. Like i said before it is not to be told how much i wanted to live or to feel like i lived at all.

This is Therapy

2007-06-14T21:52:00.000-07:00

As long as I am not a threat. It is hard to be over emotional and yet it isn't if you count anger and rounding up a little today only because I recieved support from a friend and my dear mother who really has done enough for me. It's a new learning curve. I recieved rejection/suspension letters from the county and I have a new social worker. They mailed it to an apartment down the hall who were nice enough to slide them unopened under the door. I hate hearing how my SO hate the sole job. Though I do support and coaching for them. It's the feeling I am stuck here dukkaThe brain monkey not monk needs sensation and driven by fear or hunger or both. Sensuality. Jazz swing. I have the elements and I get there once in a while. Honey it dont' pay the rent. There must be better ways to get a little dough. It's hard enough with nothing to do. Give me something to do. Water on the seeds planted when hope had diminished. Getting better if I try I might get through.
The microfauna still pull for me even as I stop they are down there. Keep moving. Keep blowing. try a dream .

Nihilism

2007-06-10T19:43:00.000-07:00

It's still not funny though I wish i could laugh. Gaia is dying. Inside of me and inside of you. I appreciate your offer of refuge but I have run long enough. It would just exchange one roof for another. The guy on the bench where I wanted to sit until I saw he was sleeping off something awful. His body shaking with withdrawals and the evening's coldness. Hey at least I don't have a heroin jones. Is this gratitude? No it's hypocrisy. I haven't fallen to the street. No one wants me to end up there yet it is the next step on the way out if I have no courage then I stall. Is it to wait for patience? Or just because i am a coward too scared to fight for myself or do i have enough faith in myself to get over all this humilation and torture. It would be easier to be sick or to have pain i could take an analgesic. The shrink and the DRs all want me back on brain meds. I think I am just fine considering everything. If i could just unconsider everything> i guess that is what the meds are for. I did that for a long time. Those years are gone now because I didn't feel a thing(pain or joy)as they went by. It's(antidepressants) my "insulin" for low brain function or is it? Reality bites unless you get the right transmitters. I am out of those and slowly running out of time and patience.

On the Edge Again

2007-06-02T12:26:00.000-07:00

Whew! I made it through the week. I get to play music for drunks and such tonight. This is what I live for, at least it is what I believe I live for. I am no fun in the morning in general and especially on Saturday. My reputation as an AM asshole is well established. I "slept in" until 9:45 and got up to find the step-child had no breakfast nor did the old lady with blood sugar issues(same as me maybe because she is a bear in the morning and I am not talking hairy man) I guess it is my job to make sure everyone has food at a regular time since I have no "job" nor McJob to go to, I am a "no go to" guy.
A reminder to my own ego
I do have experience and some small bits of wisdom but it is not any special type of wisdom or experience to savor or to preserve. To some, my floudering around for 30 years as a sideman may seem to have some romantic value. Why am I writing a blog instead of new songs for the world to sing? I guess this exercise in self expression aka rant/blog is my way of finding a slight bit of meaning here on earth with this body that carries me about the world.
Yes I should be grateful. Gratitude is a wonderful way of grounding and mellowing my doshas. Unfortunately, I am suffering from IMS (Irritable Male Syndrome) and any small event is taken as threat to my masculine identity and since I have lost my job and status of a 6 1/2 year residency at the restaurant there is little really holding me here. At least this is how I feel on days/weeks like this. I know I am needed to help with the "family". Only the "family" is not my family. I guess the pain is in not being real or genuine just acting and going through the motions.I don't smile or laugh anymore(once a week really doesn't indicate an end to my clinical depression)How can I when I am such a hypocrite. My schooling and training has shown me how to live. I have these days of desirous craving not for material things like money and comfortable peace but for annihilation I crave the nothingness/emptiness of death because the temporary escapes/daily numbness do not help enough to give me hope or optimism. I wish I could muster the faith-like religious joy I project others may possess. Religion has left its' scars on my soul and my woundedness is salved by the muse which only appears through my whorns(whoring horns). It has been over 2 years since my last creation and I grieve my last blessed communion lost to anger grasping and neglect of my soul work. I sold out very cheaply for a few thrills. I await the end because I have lost the ability to see the future. One of my past therapists told me this is a clear symptom of depression. The loss of optimism.
The boy is afraid of me because he senses my pain and thinks it is anger. He has tried to heal me in his own way as has his mother but what science and professional assistance has not accomplished in years of therapy will not be alleviated by 3rd grade jokes and weekend gigs. These things help but they do not let me be free. I am a prisoner of my own ignorance my own desire to not follow the empty ways of the culture that poisons the planet including my own mind.
I am grateful for these insights but "insight without actions is wasted".
So how can I act besides angry and despondant? How about kind and compassionate? I have but there are limits and because of these limits I have an all or nothing sensation of failure. I have sinned fallen short of the goal and missed my opportunity to be an exemplar of kindness,clarity, and insight. By small efforts a change can be realized. I did better since I was "needed" this week and I had an extra gig so I didn't have to sell myself to others or choke back tears in front of strangers. Thank you for this small blessing. I got what I wanted so I was nice. How nice am I when things are not going my way? Like every Saturday morning when my kitchen space is encroached upon? I have a long way to go if I choose to keep fighting this beast. If I was uglier maybe as ugly as the depression makes me feel people wouldn't mistake me for normal. Hey he's funny. Most comedy comes from the agony of being. Yes I am hilarious. It's one of the blessings from being on the edge.

A Little Clarity Can Be Dangerous

2007-06-01T21:31:00.000-07:00

Today, I drove the old lady to the VA to find out if the shrink would have a magic pill to take away all the antisocial and rude violent stuff that she has recently revitalized(Are there many 86 year old punks around? I think not).
She wanted
me to drive her to the CA DMV to "straighten out those people who don't want me to drive."
I really wanted to scream. " You are a menace. No one wants your car and, by the way, you're fucking crazy!" But I held my breath and I became persona non gratis once more as I was the asshole who dreamed/conspired all this up about the Alzheimer's and of course I tricked all the medical staff into going along just so they can get the hub caps after we strip it and sell the old Buick to gangsters. But first the job of getting the shrink on board.
She came alive under pressure and the Dr stated she made sense and seemed clear. Which makes us all look like we got it in for her. Except she has had too many visits and too many staff members charting on her scattered delusions and accusations of incompetency to anyone who differs from her own diagnosis of "ready for a road trip to Virginia and a new job as head nurse at the hopstal around the corner."
I am glad she is not my nurse. Her brain is missing a lot of words. Words like card receipt record report are all now "tickets". Try paying your gas bill with a ticket. Try getting your son to write a ticket on cats. "I paid the bill. Here is my ticket>"

So with one clear interview with one Dr. on one day( we were all shocked) and she has all the ammunition to deny any plans we have made for her placement in a home or nursing center. Now she wants her own home car and autonomy. We all nod our heads "NO." She tries the next argument someone else will do this for me aka granchildren who never call write or visit. "NO"
I walk out. I can see this is going nowhere because the parent is still running the show in spite of the fact she has not a lot of memory left and is running on bravado and farce. But its same stuff she has scared the hell out of her daughters most of their lives. They recall the damaging ridicule the non-support they got growing up. I see revenge they see shame and fear. Its time for her to leave and stop running roughshod over all of us. She did all she could to get out of this house but she has no where to go. We are her last best bet. Yet she treats us like shit. How could anyone love such a selfish and mean person? A person who is filled with shame and lacking self-esteem. No names. Its too common we are nothing special in this game. People get old and are hard to deal with yet there is not much going on in our culture to help so we fight each other and our lives get wasted. Not for much longer for this guy.

Hump Day in a Private Asylum

2007-05-30T10:02:00.000-07:00

I am playing my once a month gig tonight so today I am semi-gainfully part-time employed.
Wahoo.

Only I am now trying to keep my roommate's mother from getting too freaky on anger worry and madness aka Alzheimer's. Ask her and she will say it is(the diagnosis) all a grand conspiracy to take away her oil wells and her '96 Pontiac. I am not ready to take her disease on unaided today so she gets her second 150mg quetiapine of the day. It usually slows her down a bit and quiets down the agitation. She non-verbally cues me she is getting worked up by slapping her hands together and again verbally with the Reaganesque talking sotto voce around the back of her hand, "Can you tell me how to get out of here?"
Yes, Sir! Yes, Sir! Three Bras Full
She gets dressed but it takes a little convincing she hasn't had her clothes stolen and she can wear something else today. She calls me back to the bedroom. She has a bra on inside out and can't fasten it. I help her and she says, "This is where I slept last night." "I have three new bras they should last me the rest of my life." I am not sure if she is telling me how long she expects to live or that she only needs one bra or something else.
I sit and wonder if the seroquel will take away the restlessness or I will have to take her for a drive, a shampoo and set or she will fall asleep. This is new to all of us even the shrink isn't sure what this will do to for an 86-year-old with agitated Alzheimer's. Boredom a dangerous state of mind with a hole burning in her pocket an itch to settle her affairs and to get going on her way home. She needs us to take care of her. Just a short time ago, she was ready to go into the hall to look for her things in her nightie. Only she struggled with the locks and never made it outside. She asked me how she looked after she got dressed. I said she looked "sporty" to which she remarked, "Yeah and I am 86 years old!"

Her daughters praise her and pamper her a lot and she needs the attention to feel good about herself. Having her way is what she knows and she was/is a tyrant to her family. I am just learning her M.O..
I have been promised she will be "placed" somewhere and we can get back on track but several setbacks have left me skeptical or at the least not holding my breath.
It is hard to have compassion on someone who is mean and nasty to you but if they are mentally ill, organic or not, there are chemical(MEDICAL) solutions, "lay down take a red, Grandma" I wish there was a pill for angst that wouldn't drop your dick in the dirt and rape your hepatic cells. I don't think it exists. Some AK-47 would do.(AK-47 a hybrid descendant of Matanuska madness)
"safe and restful sleep sleep sleep" soma sominex seroquel lexapram mota

What the World Needs Now
How can we take the edge off the world the "existential angst" that quivering fear that eats us alive? Budweiser? Sports? Tequila? Sex? nah have sex first then Jose

I remember I have a gig today, its not endless day watchman there will be treats served after the meeting. Surprise, Friday I get to take the old lady to the VA shrink whom she showers with unlimited contempt. "Don't piss off the shrink, Grandma." 400 mg is headed your way, the 'ol chemical straitjacket. She's really old school and the psych ward is where they put the really crazy ones and( a remark behind the hand) "I ain't crazy." "It's all a conspiracy," she reminds me. She isn't over her latest paranoid delusion quite yet. Conspiracy theories, great fodder for the blogmill. I thought this was going to amount to nothing. Maybe I am part of the conspiracy.Something tells me this is so.

All dressed up and nowhere to go

2007-05-29T10:25:00.000-07:00

It s 10:30 am and my partner's mom is coming out of her slumber induced by seroquel and atavan. It' sthat or she is a wild and unruly beast that we are in no way prepared to deal with. A veteran she gets the best treatment with an orthopedist for her 4 artificial joints (both hips both knees) and her shoulder which she beleieves will be surgically replaced. She has a psychiatrist for her anxiety and tension, a GP for a referee, a master pharmacist to monitor her coumadin levels, a social worker to referee her family, and a neurologist to monitor her benign brain tumor(meningioma). I have inherited the grunt job. Shopping cooking and answering phones and driving her to the endless appoinments to those VA Dr.s.

She has been worried about her "home" in Virginia that she intends on driving to and "straightening things out". Unfortunately, she can no longer drive or understand the property was sold years ago and her relatives do not have the time energy or will to care for her at all. I am here to watch her to keep her busy and occupied which without the tranquilizer can not be done anymore. Her daughters are almost on the same page about all this but with unfinished business all around there is a reluctance to move on and place her in full time(sic) care. I wonder how many millions are going through all this with aging and dying parents. An illness like cancer or parkinson's might be easier than the slow burnout of the mind. These people with Alzheimer's take a huge toll on society our time our energy our health and at times our very sanity. There is no plan no solution no place for people like her to go unless they are rich or very poor. No compensation for most of the caregivers who watch after them as they rot away mentally and physically and suck the life out of their families. My goal today is distract her from her obsession of going to the bank and "fixing those people" "you know" those people who do those things"
The scary part was she asked me yesterday(she doesn't remember)to go to the bank because she "needs a man" to go there and straighten things out. I don't want to be the muscle for her sordid errands. When she gets frustrated about not being able to drive she says she is calling the sheriff. She had hallucinations before she moved in with us. She can't dial a phone anymore but she can rant and swing her arms around and threaten to "kick your ass" but this is all she has left in her quiver. It is sad its pathetic and its annoying beyond my tolerance at times and that is why I err on the side of adequate medication otherwise she's dangerous .

It is still two hours before my partner gets home and I get a break to take a walk and chill a bit.
There are no jobs I want to apply for today even if I could get away. Another week lost no money coming in for me.

Memorial Day

2007-05-26T18:48:00.000-07:00

What will they say about us after we are gone? Memorials of those dead or lost happens once a year. We are supposed to get into this holiday or not and go to the mall and spend a lot of money to distract ourselves from this awareness of death and loss. Memorial Day was for remembrance of warriors lost in wars or who fought in wars and died later. Life outside of war also has casualties not necessarily blessed by Pentagon bullets or terrorist IEDs.
If I called it "Day of the Dead" instead who would know if it was Halloween or Memorial Day. I could call it "buy flowers and drop them at a graveyard day" but that's too long and sounds like a florist's holiday. Or a salute to memory a mental resource slipping away out the door in many boomer's homes included here with an aging parent getting excited about meeting up with her grandmother who has been dead for 30 years. (ancestors calling)
This(life) is the place between birth and death. More human beings alive than dead on this planet(celebration time?) yet the ancestors get top billing since they already made their marks on the world.
The old one talks like she is once again five years old then she is a teen getting asked out on her first date with the preacher's son. A dream? Medication(side effect) or dementia. This is the way she lives each day, immersed in memory desire and regret(aversion)nothing new here on memorial day.
I do think of it as a day of the dead. Friends and family gone on to the next stage some by nature some by choice and others by design, I suppose, or if a deity is involved all by design. This would be easier if I had faith in design of manifest destiny or destiny period. I have been reading James Hillman's tome on calling and character. The soul that accompanies us on our journey and forces us to follow a path i.e. soul purpose or was that sole porpoise...
Why think at all if everything is just easily and blindly following with trust faith and devotion? I sometimes envy the dead or the religious braindead. They have no(or fewer) anxieties nor regrets. Of course later(maybe) in hell they may have some regrets but no ablity to make a shift in their karma. My own fate is still in flux I still have a slight chance of making a difference(redemption) if I can remember how to live fully and celebrate life without bitterness (salvation).
That is THE challenge for me. The peaceful happy times were not so really and I wish not to repeat them nor wish to relive them. It is this frame of mind that makes me miserable realizing the past is not great or my resume, bank balance, and references would look better. So I lie a little to myself but I know what it was really like deception betrayal defeat and many recoveries. I still have some attachment to false competencies and retaining a semblence of reasonable success. My beliefs and sanity depend on self-defined sucess or what I define as life and what life defines as me. I remember my tribe and my life as a monk. I was a part of mindful living after losing my father and a hole was left inside of me. I guess the pain is bearable now because I know I can endure a lot and still emerge to live again.
This is what I remember today. I can be happy and I can be sad I hope it all comes back to me.
All of it. Then I will know I have arrived here ready to go there. Happy Memorial Day.

Friday: I am Negative and Two Friends Call

2007-05-25T19:15:00.000-07:00

Last night one of my two best friends called to leave a message that he had been evicted from his home. I didn't want to call at the time and waited until this morning. He has a history and a diagnosis of bipolar disorder. He has never hurt anyone but because of his size is intimidating and things tend to get out of hand at times. He calls me. He locked himself out of his house and his parents who live nearby were out of town. They had his spare set of keys and the landlord was with them. He had a visitor, our 90-year-old former high school principal and classmate of my dad, waiting on his porch in the heat. In a state of clarity (sort of) he decided to slap the door and the 1x4 that held the lock came off the hinge and open sesame they were in. The dead bolt still held the door in place securely. The next day, his folks returned and the landlord was called over to show him the damage and hear the report of my friend. To which the landlord said, "We can't have anything like this." And then tried to force his way into my friend's apartment. To which my friend pushed him back out and the landlord called him a "chickenshit" and it went downhill from there. Apparently, this was residual resentment after my friend unplugged the landlord's powertool he had plugged into his outlet without asking. There was no actual eviction notice served. I told him the guy had to follow the law especially since my friend is a disabled veteran (not that they always get treated well either).
Shortly thereafter, I got a call from my other bestfriend who after reading this blog was concerned that I wanted to make the "7 minute swim" after my ordeal at the self sufficiency center. All three of us have a suicide pact which we swore "not alone" all for one or none.
It was a sobering and friendly reminder to realize I was sliding towards giving up since there doesn't seem to be a lot of need (nor renumeration) for my gifts. As I wrote hunger pangs keep me aware of my fate as an artist (Schumann starved himself to death). Some may remember my songs. That is all any writer can say and I have said it. It is fortunate for me to have such friends as I have talked of today. I don't have to dance around my issues they know me well and accept me. They have worried about me in this employment bardo, both of them offering to take me in. I wonder how long it can be until someone gets to believe in me enough to give me a job. They don't know it but they saved my life today. As the universe goes on so does my saga. Its moving. My friend says that's the only direction the universe moves. I got my TB Test and surprise, I am negative.

A Long Wait for Free Bus Tickets: No Thanks to Jimmy Carter!

2007-05-22T22:51:00.000-07:00

When I was going to college you could get food stamps and not work. Where I went to school there were no jobs and it boosted the local economy. Now you have to be pregnant,and/or over 62, and /or disabled or in rehab (I mean IN there) or you have to sign a lien against future wages in order to get support. You also get fingerprinted and photographed. My how the times do change. I guess I am a wimp but if I redefine myself as humbled for reqesting assistance when I am not pregnant over 62(hey when are they gonna raise that?)Disabled or rehabbing my addiction obsession of the month, year decade or trend.
The Place
2000 San Pablo Avenue Oakland CA, (St. Paul that zealot) the place where you get help fill out the paper. After 38 pages of the application I was feeling a mixture of anger grief depression depair and helplessness and to myself I added, "maybe robbing a bank or selling some crack would be easier and a little less humiliating." The person next to me agreed the powers didn't want this process to be easy or everyone would line up for "free food stamps" like I had in the Carter years.
That damn Nobel Laureate James Earl "Jimmy" Carter. Thank Goddess Daddy Reagan got on board and fixed that shit and Uncle Bill ended welfare as we (no shit) knew it. It not a hand out, it's a loan and some collectors will be after your ass just like the pirates who sail the world searching for students near to default to chase the last few cents they own.
That's right the banks the corporations and the government are all in this to "help" the poor and the lazy to get back on their feet.
Welfare to work. Wouldn't it be easier to just hand out dollars like I do when I have it? No! Where would the social workers go? The three county sheriff deputies and the fingerprint guy?
Hey this ain't Italy O.K.? But Oaktown do have it share of govment job.
"We're not looking for a hand out, just a hand."
That's from the eighties. Am I stuck in the post Reagan recession or is it just my hairline?
My EC (eligibility counselor) was very nice she sorted through my pile of paperwork and pulled out all the pile I did by accident handing some back to me and some she filed into three stacks. I had filled out an application for medical coverage(medi-cal)which is one thing I am not in need of (besides a job and natural anti-depressants ie sex). As I sat and watched her work I sobbed, it was the second time while there I had trouble fighting back the tears, since rage was not an option with the sheriff(Johnny law) right around the corner. I said "Sorry, Mondays are never that great for me." She did a second take trying not to let on she was evaluating my worthiness to recieve a loan from the govment since I was not morally fit to recieve unemployment.
I was asked to sign several forms I did not want to read including my right to recieve all information in English. EC informed me this(GA) was not hand out but a real loan I must pay back or else(hard time on the "rock"). I was advised to recover my unemployment denial letter from EDD and a note from my landlord comfirming I lived there and had paid rent in the past. EC told me I was finished and to get the stuff to her before the first or call and get an extension.

I Return for a Second Day
The next day I had my second meeting. GA, general assistance, the cashola that used to be given out "free". Now it's just a loan paid back in labor or installments or garnished wages, garnished tax returns, garnished alimony or lotto winnings(not really the lotto is free money). Oh Jimmy Carter! Where are you now, Brother Jimmy?
I got to meet the SW (social Worker) who suggested I try something else for a job. I had flashbacks to the eighties again (the last time I applied for unemployment). "You are a teacher? You need to apply for teaching jobs. You can be a substitute teacher." Time for the strait waistcoat and maybe some valium? Stress comes in two varieties; future and past form. Both are forms of embracing powerlessness hopelessness at least in my frame of mind. A sane positive one might see empowerment and accomplishment. naught mine.
One more thing a fresh TB test(less than 12 months old) "Who pay? I have no means." she said. "We(the state) Do." they said.
I was done except for the free bus tickets to get to the clinic for the TB Test. No passes for job hunts just TB Test and a copy of the requisition just in case we blow it the first time and have to get a second TB Test. I was sent to the waiting room. The waiting room equippped with three seated county sheriff deputies behind a desk with a sign

"THIS IS NOT THE INFORMATION DESK."

I was told to wait for my name to be called. I waited and watched as a line of people one-by-one, got their names called, signed for their 4 AC transit tickets, 4 tranfers and walked out. I waited and no more names were called so I moved over near the window and the deputy looked at my saddle bags and told me I couldn't block his exit to the break room. They never called my name. About 5 minutes later I got my free tickets and walked out much relieved I had endured the ordeal of applying for GA and food stamps. Thanks USDA, U$Taxpayers, City of Oakland,
AC Transit, oh yeah and the Feds. No thanks to you, Jimmy Carter!

I've got friends in that place

2007-05-18T22:26:00.000-07:00

Today P called me.P is a former co-worker at Spenger's Fresh Fish Grotto. He isn't former, I am. He calls to give me encouragement and leads on new restaurant jobs. He warned me to look out the management was gunning for me. I got that idea too back in December. My partner K who had surgery in November was off on medical leave and disability pay. I got my schedule cut back with no notice to two shift a week the two weeks before xmas. But I got to work xmas eve, newyears eve and xmas day. The boss told us we needed to work these holidays. Right after New Years he announced we were getting big screeen TVs for the bar before Super Bowl Sunday. Great for business. But but but... what about the xmas party? This was our xmas gift from MSRG. A lecture. Starring R our smiling slightly manic GM. He started out to tell us how lucky we were to have him as our fearless leader as he patted himself on the back and stated how he went to bat for the employees when our payroll was delayed and how we wouldn't have gotten paid for 5 days if he hadn't hand written every check after fighting for our rights with the corporate bosses. After this speech he went on to another one about how we were the worst in the company worst in sales worst in guest averageworst in liquor sales and way way worst in bottle wine sales. As if we were running the place and not the a-holes who never set foot in the place who wrote our schedules wrote the menus and budgeted for stock repairs renovations hired all these managers with gambling jones, sexual predatory habits, and borderline personality disorders. Hey smile because now we are the best because "I" R the GM am here ready to wow the people of Berkeley with my innovations and white paint.
After hearing this lecture for two weeks in a row and never changing it in the least, I started walking out of "fresh talk" when I sensed him going into the assassination once more. It was either that or I would have been fired for saying what I just wrote here.
So, P informs me, the managers keep coming and going but the hourly employees are the responsible ones. P thinks the place will have to close to fix all the ongong problems. I suggested hiring a priest and having the place exorcised. The rats can stay but the evil spirits must go away.

Im so Hungry I could Eat a ....

2007-05-18T12:53:00.000-07:00

lot of pussy. That is one possible cure for my hunger and depression. Sadly, low seritonin leaves a limp desire and no money keeps me safe from anything resembling pleasure.
Anyway I was thinking about the last time I was jobless moneyless and thinking of swimming around great white sharks.
I drank cheap beverage alcohol which in spite of depression will enable the libido to emerge if for only a few minutes. Nothing works that well even music pales in its effect which scares the hell out of me. It has always been there in the past getting me out of my funk and melancholic stupor or was it the uncle ben's canadian ale?
I lost my job and now I am losing my mind. It isn't just me its where I am now with a family that i don't belong to and don't fit especially with no income. When its someone else's stomach thats empty it's a problem when its mine its political.
GA and Foodstamps

Working for a living or almost a living I have a choice mostly as to what i eat. Not working I am at the mercy of others generosity while I have been blessed with a lot of graciousness from others I have lost faith in the future since I have passed the middle of life and being vestigial I wander the streets looking for meaning. Got a quarter? Spare change? Tofu?
I finally realized I have lost everything needed to get back except my home of which I am 2 months late on rent. Luckily its the dry season coming so i won't have to worry about rain.
I can continue this blog after I lose this as well. The library lets me blog on their machines. There is plenty of reading material there even Marx and Engels who never would have worked for Spenger's Fresh Fish Grotto. So much for my radical pedigree.
"Who Knew?
Donald Rumsfeld

Hunger is Personal

2007-05-18T10:33:00.001-07:00

Today I am on my third day of returning to a vegan diet. I am also starting my third month of being without a job. This is the story I have to tell about my life in the Bay Area coping with depression, anxiety, being intelligent and feeling like I am vestigial i.e. a little toe that grows on the surface of the foot and serves no purpose in locomotion or balance.
I was fired after I called a busboy a lazy motherfucker. This was not my first infraction with Spenger's Fresh Fish Grotto DBA McCormick and Schmick Restaurant group. I was almost fired after hearing a sous chef call me crazy. Unfortunately, no one else heard him dis on me. They all heard me go off on him for singling me out for my mental illness. I should have been fired for this alone since the chef is a sacred being in the MSRG and should never be questioned or "disrepected". I knew I was terminated almost as the words "Lazy Motherfucker" flowed out of my mouth. When J the manager asked my if I had cursed at the busser I asked if I should clock out. She laughed nervously like I hadn't said anything that could possibly end my career with MSRG. I told her she needed to look at my file. The previous GM, a crippled and slightly Caine Mutiny kind of gal, had made sure to document an unsolicited hug (sexual harrassment) and the attempted assault by a AA guest on my person which I, being the cracker I am, had provoked. So in spite of nearly 7 years of servitude including almost a year of recovering from a hit and run bicycle accident and being on limited duty I was handed a check (severence? the manager who fired me said "we have to separate" like it was a divorce. I was consumated, all right) for $253.19 and asked to leave.
Now I have a story to tell about my years with the MSRG a corporation owned by William McCormick a great GOP pioneer who has profitted personally and professionally from his support of the Bush Family Evil Empire (BFEE). It is funny that I worked for a company that supports death and destruction in the Middle East while reaping profits breaking unions and putting a nice face on the destruction of the planet. Remember Wild Salmon runs in California, Oregon Washington? The hatcheries and farms have killed them off. So MSRG gets their salmon from Chile and their Lox from Scotland. A long way from the watchful eyes of the environmentalists who monitor the world's oceans and rivers. A nice face to decimated sharks, swordfish, roughy, Seabass etc.
LET THEM
Eat bait. Sand dabs( a local favorite served "French style") a variety of sole served in a size that only a baitshop could love. "i am sorry we are out of spotted owl" would you like to try the bald eagle?"
The dead zones off the coast of Oregon, Louisiana, California's dying seabirds starved to death so the multinationals can steal krill and hake for fish farms. No more cheap tortillas for Mexicans and no coconut oil for your pina colada in paradiso either we need the biofuels. This rambling blog of a man near his last bit of medicinal cannabis is a potpouri of anger grief and depair while the planet gets divvied up by the happy neocon likes of William McCormick(insert any name in the BFEE)and his GOP warmongers. I saw the face of the beast. I was poisoned by association and now I reap my karma.
I scraped my last small change up to buy a banana to put in my rice porridge(jook). I like rice, its the stuff most of the world's people subsist on. A complete protein all by itself. Being vegan is not easy but 3 billion people are mostly that way because of the economics of food and procuring meat requires land, water, and resources controlled by a small minority. Mr Greed sells meat cuts down forests and rapes the oceans so he can get more money to give away to the BFEE and GOP neocons to kill more civilians and steal more resources from the future generation who will inherit nothing.
After reading so far wouldn't you agree that I am better off not working for the neocon death worshippers even if they would have my foul mouth disrepectful ass on the payroll?
Me too. But I am hungry and broke. In the past I used pawn shops and lost my TV(a blessing thank you Lucky Loan) because I couldn't get the dough to buy it back before my ticket expired.
Had to spend my unemployment on an abortion(1980) should have bought some condoms or got the vasectomy then (instead of waiting until 1996) but there is no deferrment for child support and I only have to worry about food and thankfully not feeding my genetic prototype of which there is no known inheritor.
"The meek shall inherit nothing"
Frank Zappa